Archives For love, lust, longing

no one expects the spanish inquisition

June 5, 2003 — Leave a comment

didn’t expect that did you?  i love monty python, found the official website 

i’m talking to vic and waiting for her to finish her post. it’s such a joy to be able to talk to her. our 10pm im sessions have been a part of my life for almost three years. 🙂 interrupted only by the 10pm phone calls for the 6 months i was in fl. i miss hearing her voice, just before i fell asleep. the night before vic left to go off to the wild blue yonder, i called and read to her. i hadn’t realised how much i’d missed that. it’s the simple things that make life worthwhile. 

i’m going to bed now, one night closer to curling up in bed with my love. i’m not maudlin or depressed. i feel blessed and happy to have this woman in my life and as a friend pointed out, when you find someone so perfectly suited, you should expect to jump through some hoops to prove your worthiness for such a prize. 

gnight, pleasant dreams to all.

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hot and sticky

May 30, 2003 — Leave a comment

it’s been raining on and off all day but it hasn’t done anything for the temperature. i frolicked in the rain a little earlier, which was fun, now i’m sitting in front of a fan, while i try to find some degree of inspiration for this logo… still no dice.

so i come here to my daily addiction, i’m missing vic, but i know she’s safe and with the phone bill i already have for the month, i’ll have to sell one of the children pretty soon. k just dropped the tickets for tonight and i’m pretty exicted about the party, i usually don’t get this excited about going out, but tonight feels good or am i just salivating over the prospect of more work on my tattoo tomorrow. i keep looking at the picture of the work done so far and realise all the pain, the itching is going to be worth it.

the annual report project is back like a bad rash, apparently it printed like shit, the colour was off and guess what…
i’m getting blamed. when i signed on for the project, i was told it was a mouse jockey job, i said ok, cause i needed the money. why am i being taken to task because the person who actually took the job:

1. didn’t check the colour swatch (as i instructed) against the stock
2. never checked the job on the press (now how obvious is that)

which brings me to how is this my fault? i  produced the job, didn’t pick the printer or the stock and gave fairly striahgforward instuctions. wait, i took one thing for granted… they knew what they were doing. oh dear, silly me. i asked to see a copy of the report to see what can be done at this stage, not because i care, but because the sooner it’s presentable and approved by the people who sign the chqs, the sooner i get paid.

i still haven’t been able to get in contact with my ride for tonight which is a little worrying not because i can’t get there on my own, but i’d rather not have to worry about it.

i’m off to be all girly in the interim and plan what i’m wearing and decide if to wash my hair or not. i have a 2 hour window before my hair will not dry.

peace.

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it`s started raining

May 29, 2003 — Leave a comment

not the stop and start like it has for the last couple of weeks, the true torrential downpour, the seems like the heavens are crying. i can hear it beating on the roof of the building. constantly, i love that sound but it makes me so sad, i can run out and run about and feel the rain against my face and i can’t curl up in bed and whisper sweet nothings as the rain sounds plays it accompaniment. 

there is still nothing for me to do here at work and my boss has left me in charge, so being the exlemplar, i can’t duck work now, walk home in the rain, dump my wet clothes on the floor and crawl into bed. 

i’m seeing the edge of the black pit of despair and hearing it’s siren song. i should go work on the screenplay as promised, but i don’t have the energy. 

look forward to the weekend a voice in my head whispers (you know you have them too, so don’t give me that look, when you start having conversations with them, then worry), i’m going to a party tomorrow and then going to finish (or at least continue) my tattoo, on saturday. it’s also a f1 weekend, so in all, quite a number of distractions in all. 

that means i just have to get through this afternoon, all day tomorrow. not as easy as it sounds. wait i have a cheesy novel in my bag, aha, the afternoon’s entertainments just presented itself. 

adieu.

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posted to arouse

May 29, 2003 — Leave a comment

i can hear the rain falling on the roof of the office, i’m not working, i’m cruising around online, following links and reading things that attract my eye like:

james joyce’s dirty letters

which i got off a link on the reverse cowgirl’s blog

and this really hot story on goodvibes

i really should find something to do, something to distract from this longing

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WANT. NEED. DESIRE.

May 29, 2003 — Leave a comment

these are the closing days of national masturbation month, a subject that is close to my fingertips of late these days.

it’s all about longing that throbbing in the pit of your stomach, the tingle of your skin, the need to feel vic’s skin against mine.

mastubation continues to be just an outlet. a form of relief, but i’m orally fixated. how do duplicte the sensation of hands in your hair, thighs pressed against your ears, the taste, the smell, the feel, the overwhelmed sense of joy in giving pleasure.

i should go to work. i’m sitting here frustrating myself. i have a whole ahead of me with lots of free time to do that.

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adversity into opportunity

May 28, 2003 — Leave a comment

vic and i have decided that our current entertainments are worthy of the big screen. we are attempting to write a comedic screenplay about our adventures.

if you get a little perspective on our situation it does seems a little funny.

neither of us actually has actually written a screenplay (well vic has done documentary work and i’ve attempted documentary work) and this is going to be our first combined endeavour. i think it’s going to be fun. work begins this weekend. vic is off to the wilds of michigan with the familia for a week, so i’m planning on channelling the anger, the frustration, the lonliness of the next couple of days into a serious stab at our very entertaining story.

the time has come to get some sleep. too many late nights over the last couple of days. although i should unpack the three bags full of laundry, but there is the feel of slipping on a still hot, fresh smelling tshirt. ok so i’m a freak (and fucking lazy too)

gnight.

 

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back with some perspective

May 24, 2003 — Leave a comment

the project i’m working on is still not done, but i’ve made major headway. the important pages are with the client for proofing.

in personal news, i was just rereading vic’s last post and realising that it need some perspective.

here some perspective in your eye (and tell me if you notice any parallels):
vic met someone online, fell in love, got married, moved lock, stock and child to be with her husband, couldn’t work, got depressed, hubby wasn’t quite what he purported to be, vic got more unhappy, more depressed, husband got weird and verbally abusive, vic packs it in and returns home. fast forward some months later, vic meets someone else online, falls in love…

i understand vic reluctance to move here. i haven’t been the best spokesman for trinidad, her worries about getting a job. the last time she moved away with her, she was at least on the same continent. i think she should come clean with her mother, but having some mother issues of my own, i understand her position there as well.

a day later, i’m no longer as angry and upset as i was. vic and are going to make it somewhere, somehow. if she comes and decides she can’t live in trinidad, that’s not going to be the end of the world. we are just going to have to ensure that there are no 8 months windows where don’t see each other.

the bottomline is i love victoria, more than i have ever loved any human being and i’m not giving her up for anything.

today is the piglet’s birthday, so i’m off to spend some quality time.

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just in case anyone wants to know how i’m doing…

May 23, 2003 — Leave a comment

Application Type: I130, IMMIGRANT PETITION FOR RELATIVE, FIANCE(E), OR ORPHAN Current Status: Your I130 IMMIGRANT PETITION FOR RELATIVE, FIANCE(E), OR ORPHAN was received on March 4, 2002. We mailed you a receipt with information about processing. It is taking between 990 and 999 days for us to process this kind of case. We will mail you a decision as soon as processing is complete.

this figure is up from the original 225 days stated on the petition and the 500 – 600 just last month.

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29 hours and counting

May 22, 2003 — Leave a comment

so i have less than 29 hours to finish this project. i like working under pressure, i think i do my best work at the last minute. it also helps keep me distracted to the fact that it’s been 8 months to the day since i saw victoria last. that’s right kiddies, almost enough time for the birth of a child. i was reading victoria’s blog yesterday and thinking about a sight i must have made on the train ride back. i had no one to hide my tears from and after 5 wonderful days, i was devastated. there is something even more heart breaking about leaving vic at an airport or watching her get on a plane. it’s like we’re stealing these tiny moments. these 8 months have been some of the most difficult and try in my life. i working on seeing vic next month and steal a few more moments but i don’t know if i have the strength to watch her get on another plane and begin the count til i see her again.

off to work

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woo hoo

May 20, 2003 — Leave a comment

less than 12 hours to the matrix reloaded.

i’m going into the office to cut and mount up the layouts i did today and then bail out and head to the movies.

i should get to bed but before i do, i’m going to post the first picture of my new work in progress.

i have so much to say at the moment but i’m not quite sure where to begin and what i want to say.

i want to talk about how much i miss vic and deleting my friend ian’s contact info off my computer today (he died last year just before christmas), how teary gilmore girls made me and as much as i like the season finale of smallville, something seemed to be missing.

actually that seems to be the crux of my life at the moment. something is missing – victoria. she is my light and my joy, she means the world to me and being without her, is at best; difficult, at worst…

it’s where i am now. holding on daily to the joy her presence, even online brings me.

fuck, i’m getting maudlin.

good night.

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