Archives For humour

I originally wrote this in 2008 and thought I would revisit and update it.

In a move expected by many analysts, Santa Claus [trading as SNTA on the holiday market] has been acquired by retail giant Amazon (AMZN) in a deal estimated to be worth billions. Santa Claus, a long time family run franchise has been on the rocks for the last decade with increased competition in the manufacturing, production and delivery sectors but still engenders a great deal of goodwill and brand recognition worldwide.

While details of the merger while still sketchy, it is understood that Santa Claus will become a registered Amazon brand and in exchange Amazon will provide a better manufacturing and distribution system. Current Santa Claus employees are guaranteed continued employment through 2025 as long as they remain un-unionized and undergo new skills training, an Amazon spokesman said today. The Santa Claus workforce consists of between three and five thousand skilled minority workers and low overhead, however with the advent of automation and a greater demand for electronics the organization found itself unable to compete.

The merger is expected to go smoothly, with CEO and COO, Santa Claus retiring effective immediately to spend more time with his family. Other long time stalwarts of the organization; Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph; are expected to stay on until December 2024 to help in the transition of delivery systems.

After KellyAnn Conway went on Meet The Press and uttered the phrase “Alternative Facts” with a straight face, I thought it would be interesting to post one alternative fact per day for the duration of the administration.

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After KellyAnn Conway went on Meet The Press and talked about “Alternative Facts,” I thought it would be interesting to post one alternative fact per day for the duration of the administration

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Recipe for a Fig Oil Republic
Mix dictatorship and opposition and let raise for juice for five years. Set crust over bottom of melting pot. Spread layer of humanity. Soak some 90’s cynical indifference.
Place in the tropical sunshine to bake.

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Letter of Recommendation

February 12, 2012 — 2 Comments

If Keifel Agostini was half as good as he thinks he is, he would be better than anybody. As it is, however, thank God that art requires few straight lines, as he can’t draw them.

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A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitch hiker can have.

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filing, you’re doing it right

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Hamlet in three minutes

December 14, 2008 — Leave a comment

The Three Minute Hamlet
Adam McNaughton

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Not so hostile takeover

December 10, 2008 — Leave a comment

Santa Claus [trading as St Nick on the holiday market] has been acquired by retail giant Wal-Mart

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Sex for sale

November 22, 2008 — Leave a comment

In a surprise move today, retail giant Walmart announced plans to add a new item to their extensive catalogue; heterosexual coitus.

The retail giant has already made deals with state and federal law makers for legislation that will allow them to sell sex without the prostitution moniker.

According to a company spokesperson, “We`re already screwing our workers, why not make more profit it from it.” In a release from Walmart, services offered will be limited to vaginal penetration only and available to male patrons over the age of 18. The women providing the service will be drawn from the employee pool and be responsible for their own healthcare. The women will be paid the going employee wage.

When asked about the needs of homosexuals and women, a Walmart spokesperson had this to say, “We`re a company with stong moral values and will not encourage this manner of depravity in our stores. We don`t deal in pornography and perversion, sex is not supposed to be enjoyable for women, it`s just a function and we believe homosexuality to be sinful. Therefore we cater only to men and only offer sex as the Good Lord intended.”

Walmart has garnered support from Christian groups and is weathering the storm of protest.

ed note: this is a satirical piece, created solely in the recesses of my deranged mind.

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