Archives For satire

Not so hostile takeover (2022 edition)

December 11, 2022 — Leave a comment

I originally wrote this in 2008 and thought I would revisit and update it.

In a move expected by many analysts, Santa Claus [trading as SNTA on the holiday market] has been acquired by retail giant Amazon (AMZN) in a deal estimated to be worth billions. Santa Claus, a long time family run franchise has been on the rocks for the last decade with increased competition in the manufacturing, production and delivery sectors but still engenders a great deal of goodwill and brand recognition worldwide.

While details of the merger while still sketchy, it is understood that Santa Claus will become a registered Amazon brand and in exchange Amazon will provide a better manufacturing and distribution system. Current Santa Claus employees are guaranteed continued employment through 2025 as long as they remain un-unionized and undergo new skills training, an Amazon spokesman said today. The Santa Claus workforce consists of between three and five thousand skilled minority workers and low overhead, however with the advent of automation and a greater demand for electronics the organization found itself unable to compete.

The merger is expected to go smoothly, with CEO and COO, Santa Claus retiring effective immediately to spend more time with his family. Other long time stalwarts of the organization; Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph; are expected to stay on until December 2024 to help in the transition of delivery systems.

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Alternative Facts (February 2017)

March 13, 2017

After KellyAnn Conway went on Meet The Press and uttered the phrase “Alternative Facts” with a straight face, I thought it would be interesting to post one alternative fact per day for the duration of the administration.

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Alternative Facts (January 2017)

March 13, 2017

After KellyAnn Conway went on Meet The Press and talked about “Alternative Facts,” I thought it would be interesting to post one alternative fact per day for the duration of the administration

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Common Sense and Personal Responsibility Slain

March 24, 2009 — Leave a comment

The duo finally fell after multi-pronged attack by Legislation and Litigation supported the forces of Greed, Ignorance and Stupidity.

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Not so hostile takeover

December 10, 2008 — Leave a comment

Santa Claus [trading as St Nick on the holiday market] has been acquired by retail giant Wal-Mart

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Rules of the International Confederation of Dreadlocked Persons (revised)

September 14, 2008 — Leave a comment

whether you`re just starting out or you`ve had your dreadlocks for sometime there are a couple of fundamental rules, we hope by committing them to paper they will make things clearer for you.

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jesus says he loves all bigots, equally

October 4, 2004 — Leave a comment

i don`t know if it`s the fact that i`m living in one of those states where you can see the holy triumvirate on the back of a pickup; ie, Jesus fish, American flag and; in TN at least; a UT sticker; but i seemed to have found that hotline to Jesus.

and he`s given me a message to pass along:

he loves everyone, equally, except for pederasts and people who kill in his name. he has special tortures lined up for them.

he`s also very upset about all the crap his name is getting attached to, but he`s not really the vengeful type so he`s going to let it slide at least for the time being.

he also asked me to pass on a message on behalf of Allah: he isn`t happy about what is being done in his name either.

they have both asked for their believers to work more on principles and faith and less dogmatic adherence to oft misquoted, mistranslated and misleading republication and interpretations of what claims to be their absolute word.

and you have to believe what i say, because he came to me and told me and i have written it down.

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my unsexy list

September 19, 2003 — Leave a comment

after reading the nerve unsexy list, i decided i would come up with my own list of things that will never be sexy to me.

in the order that they come to me:

hipster fucking pants

we all know how i feel about them. un-fucking-sexy. anyway you take it, it`s plumber`s fucking butt, definitely not sexy.

stupid people

part of any attraction for me is intelligence, we have to be able to converse on some level

no sense of humour

sex is something that needs not to take itself seriously, so an inability to laugh, particularly out loud is a major minus

surfeit of smell

everything in moderation. excessive amounts of perfume or insufficient baths. not good. the key to attraction is naturally occurring pheromones, covering them with perfume doesn`t help. and if you don`t bathe, your stench over powers them as well.

VPL

visible panty line. actually not just VPL, any deliberate exposure of your underwear. i`ll see it when you take off your clothes. i don`t need to see the thong over the tops of your pants.

rudeness

particularly to service staff. that`s never, ever sexy. if you can`t work out why on your own, you`re a fucking moron [see stupid people]

*edit

inappropriate attire

wear clothes that are comfortable and appropriate to your age and occassion. too tight, too short, too young, too old, too much of anything is not sexy.

language abuse

how do i say this and sound like a snob. i need to understand what you`re saying at all times. there is a time and place for dialect, but mangling language for the sake of being cool [say it with me now: un-fucking-sexy]

one dimensional character

be more than what you`re wearing, where you work, where you live. read, live, travel, have an opinion, be yourself.

i`m sure there will be additions to this list as they come to me.

*addendum I

spandex

it`s a right, not a privilege

the comb over

it`s either you`ve got the hair or you don`t. combing it over does not hide male pattern baldness.

dragon toes

nail clippers are not expensive. trim those toes nails.

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hipster pants are not for you…

August 25, 2003 — Leave a comment

because…

1. CRACK KILLS! no matter how you disguise it, plumbers butt is not fucking sexy.

2. if you`re under 18 [ok, 16] there is no one you need to look sexy for [besides see 1.]

3. your stomach is hanging over the top of your pants

4. you`re someone`s grandparent [act your fucking age]

5. you look like you`ve been ridden hard and left for dead [see 4]

i could go on but i have interview questions to answer. so in summation, hipster pants are a fucking abomination that should be outlawed. remember crack kills. stay away from the crack.

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