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100 Things

November 22, 2008 — 6 Comments

100 things about me:

1. i`m left handed

2. i`m an only child

3. i never graduated college/university

4. i like to drive

5. i drove 11 hours to propose to vic

6. i have an amazing sense of direction

7. i ate the first book my mother every gave me

8. it was tootles the taxi

9. my mother used to buy me a book on the 23rd of every month (my birthday is august 23)

10. i go adventure driving, it`s a hold over from sunday evenings with my mother

11. i`m generally a cynic

12. i`m a faithful friend

13. i love passionately

14. i`m good with figures

15. i have a good ear for language

16. etymology is a hobby of mine

17. i`m jamaican by descent.

18. my paternal great-grandparents came from corsica

19. when i get bored i get into trouble

20. i`m not a very good dancer

21. i don`t drink coffee

22. i recently started drinking tea again

23. vic is my second wife

24. i`m a cat person

25. i don`t like small dogs

26. i had cats and fish as pets growing up

27. i was the short, fat kid through most of high school

28. i`m not particularly sociable

29. i have issues with being popular

30. i`m a science fiction fan

31. i`m a stephen king fan

32. i`m a hunter s. thompson fan

33. i`m a william gibson fan

35. i`m a terry pratchett fan

36. i love douglas adams

37. i met douglas adams in person

38. i have a book autographed by douglas adams

39. i`m open about my sexuality

40. i love strong women

41. pregnant women turn me on

42. i`m a leg man

43. i`m a geek

44. i`m anal retentive about clocks blinking 12:00

45. i can programme almost anything without a manual

46. i can touch type

47. i`m a macintosh user

48. i`m orally fixated

49. i love sex

50. i have tried almost everything i want to sexually

51. i`ve found my sexual equal

52. i use language people find offensive

53. i have a sick sense of humour

54. people love or fear my tongue

55. when i`m angry i lash out with words

56. i appreciate my mother more now

57. i used to dress funny

58. i used to model

59. i used to run 5 and 10K races

60. i used to take photos

61. i think organised religion is a sham

62. i believe in freedom of speech

63. i would be willing to give my life for it.

64. i would be willing to give my life for my children

65. i would  do almost anything for vic

66. i`ve won prizes playing scrabble

67. i`ve won a prize for my handwriting

68. i have eclectic musical tastes

69. i`ll listen to almost anything once

70. i don`t do drugs

71. i can count the number of times i`ve smoked marijuana

72. when i get drunk i go to sleep

73. my favourite drink is jack daniels and coke

74. i think american beer taste like crap

75. i think any beer you have to twist the cap off is not a real beer

76. i like red wine

77. i particularly like shiraz

78. i`m a carnivore

79. i`ve eaten beef in the UK

80. i`ve eaten beef in europe

81. i weigh too much

82. i don`t like gyms

83. i can play pool

84. i can throw darts

85. my tongue is pierced

86. it`s for practical not decorative purposes

87. i can cook

88. i cook by instinct

89. i like spicy food

90. i`m friends with all my exes except one

91. she`s the mother of my first daughter

92. i don`t manage money very well

93. people take advantage of me easily

94. i`ve only recently learned to say `no`

95. i like to travel

96. i would love to live in london

97. i don`t do tourist-y things

98. i don`t generally like large groups of people

99. people fascinate me

100. i haven’t changed much since i first created the list.

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Sex for sale

November 22, 2008 — Leave a comment

In a surprise move today, retail giant Walmart announced plans to add a new item to their extensive catalogue; heterosexual coitus.

The retail giant has already made deals with state and federal law makers for legislation that will allow them to sell sex without the prostitution moniker.

According to a company spokesperson, “We`re already screwing our workers, why not make more profit it from it.” In a release from Walmart, services offered will be limited to vaginal penetration only and available to male patrons over the age of 18. The women providing the service will be drawn from the employee pool and be responsible for their own healthcare. The women will be paid the going employee wage.

When asked about the needs of homosexuals and women, a Walmart spokesperson had this to say, “We`re a company with stong moral values and will not encourage this manner of depravity in our stores. We don`t deal in pornography and perversion, sex is not supposed to be enjoyable for women, it`s just a function and we believe homosexuality to be sinful. Therefore we cater only to men and only offer sex as the Good Lord intended.”

Walmart has garnered support from Christian groups and is weathering the storm of protest.

ed note: this is a satirical piece, created solely in the recesses of my deranged mind.

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This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time

November 21, 2008 — Leave a comment

Hullo and welcome to TinyPenes Motors, your one stop home for exotic cars, penile enhancement and hair replacement treatment.

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You Need This Book!

November 20, 2008 — Leave a comment

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Order now and we`ll send one of our special questionnaires guaranteed to make you feel worse about yourself. And if it doesn`t work, you haven`t been reading our books properly.

Remember only we can help you. We have no medical, psychiatric or psychological background but we know what`s best for you. Trust us. You are incapable of making decisions on your own, we know what`s best for you. We`re ok, you`re not.

Repeat after us, `We know what`s best for you. I will buy this book. I need this book.`

You Need This Book! available everywhere! Buy it today! It will change your life!

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immigration is the backwash of colonialism

November 19, 2008 — Leave a comment

repost from 2004, it will be interesting to come back to this in another 4 years

i was having a conversation on sunday night and one of the questions that came up is `why do people seem to hate america?`

i think the simple answer to that question would be foreign policy. i grew up in a post colonial society and one of the benefits of physical colonialism is the remainders of efforts at civilisation. hence in the caribbean we`re still working with an english school system. the benefit of that is a broad spectrum of almost unbiased learning opportunities.

american colonialism is mental. people aspire to live the american lifestyle and while it`s not a bad thing with perspective and temperance, the portrayals people see outside and even to some extent in the US are unrealistic. the american dream has become more and more intangible with each passing generation but is still the carrot dangled in front of us all to encourage us to continue toiling. deep down we know this, but still keep on, because giving up on the dream is tantamount to failure.

the amercian dream is taking everywhere in magazines, in movies, in television and mostly in the foreign policy. otherwise know as `we know what`s best for you`, it`s been a tool of colonisers for aeons, it`s not new and the US is not the only guilty party. it`s a human condition, been going on forever. the problem is, in most other cases there is a tangible left behind, education system, water works, art, morals, government, something.

the problem with the american system is that there are no tangibles left behind. other than the failed dream and resentment. because america as a colonial power only started coming to fore recently, everything else had pretty much been done already. so it was a matter of rearranging other colonial powers toys in the sandbox.

what better place to start than close to home, the monroe doctrine and the latter roosevelt corollary established a pattern of behaviour that is still rippling through the caribbean region until today.

haiti, cuba, el salvador, panama. all these countries have had direct and deliberate interference in their governance. what happened there as is happening now, is the administration at the time was unhappy with government in power and aided either directly or indirectly the removal of said powers, replaced them with someone favourable with them and then walked away.

it`s ok for a while, but when the dreams and promises don`t materialise and people realise they are being used, they tend to get more than a little resentful. their anger in the immediate tends to be directed at the parties installed primarily but there is still the loathing and hate directed at the US.

yes this is an oversimplification, but all it requires is a little reading and a tiny bit of experience to see where certain foreign policy decisions are always likely to turn around and bite you. this not so much as biting the hand feeds you but some cases trying to get back at the hand that was force feeding you.

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so gauche

November 16, 2008 — Leave a comment

in the genetic lottery i don`t think i ever had a chance not to be left-handed, from conception the odds were severely stacked against me.

i come from a long line left-handedness; my mother, my father, my maternal grandfather, my paternal grandmother, you get the idea and i`ve managed to pass it on to my children as well.

growing up with my mother i never realised that i was in the minority. this was prior to the advent of left handed scissors and knives [not necessarily prior but we certainly didn`t have access], but somehow we made out. i`m somewhat ambidextrous now, i can use a pair of scissors in either hand, i`m mostly right-handed in the kitchen but i still haven`t mastered peeling an orange.

i remember my first day of school. i came home sullen, all my mother`s questions were greeted with monosyllabic responses. my mother knew something was wrong from the word go. i had actually wanted to go to school, so my unresponsiveness was clearly indicative of something major, eventually she managed to pry it out of me that i had been spanked for writing with my left hand. i had one of those old fashioned teachers that believed that left-handedness could be beaten out of you.

the next day my mother showed up in school and had one of the quietest discussions with the teacher. never had any more troubles after that.

i had another run in with the education system in high school during my o`level examinations. the entire year has to take math and english, so 160+ students are in the study hall, which contain… drumroll please… those crappy right-handed desks. how the hell were supposed to write what`s supposed be one of our life determining exams hunched sideways over a desk. being the trouble maker that i was, i launched a protest, managed to delay the exam for half hour til we were moved to another room with tables.

one thing i`ve noticed about growing up left handed with my mother is that i learned to write properly. i don`t do that thing with my hand bent into this odd shape, wrist forward, like you`re going to stab yourself in the heart at any moment, nor do i turn whatever i`m writing on almost upside down, i never understood that and i think that`s one of the first things people notice when i start writing with my left hand.

i used to have beautiful handwriting too. but with all the time i spend at the computer i can`t even sign my name in any legible manner, but that is an entry for another day.

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sex and sensuality

November 14, 2008 — Leave a comment

this was something i wrote 5 years ago, it still holds so true.

sex has become a commodity and seems to be daily losing it`s value.

sex is being used to sell everything, slowly we`re becoming more and more inured. what were once alternative lifestyles have become mainstream. i have no issues with this. i live for the day when my gay/bi/whatever friends can walk the streets without fear of repercussions.

what i resent is them becoming a tool for marketing and advertising companies. i resent being branded or compartmentalised.

let`s take the whole `metrosexual` thing, i`m a man confident in my own sexuality, that takes care of my body, am able to cook a meal of more than one course and i have a sense of style and some hack sat down in a room and thought how can i capture this market. aha, let`s brand them, put them in a nice little niche. i don`t think so.

i am me. i don`t need someone to tell me who i am and what`s sexy. and sadly for that very same reason there is very little that is truly sexy or maybe i`m just too cynical.

i enjoy sensuality, particularly for the reason that it plays on all your senses. the feel of fruit in your hands, the taste of a good meal, the smell of the sea. it`s not  just about breasts and asses and cocks and cunts.

sensuality begins in the mind.

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there are rules that need to be followed

November 4, 2008 — Leave a comment

the wyf and i went to asheville, nc for two days, as part of her birthday celebration i got tickets for her to see one of her musical idols billy bragg, there are pictures here. good times were had by all of course, but that’s the reason for this post.

remember rule #5 of the ICoDP? here let me refresh your memory
“you have marijuana.
you will always have marijuana and related peripherals on your person, otherwise you will have connections with various retailers of said and be on a first names basis and immediate contact with them.”

we’ve been asheville an hour, just had lunch and driving to check into our hotel when we pull up next to a camaro that has seen much better days. my window is down because the weather is lovely and the passenger of the car turns to me and says in that voice “do you know where the trees are, man?”  amazing, i just got a drive by hit for weed. even with the explanation that i was from out of town was not enough to deter him from asking a second time, as if i was holding out on him. obviously this man has read the rules and i’m a disappointment and if word gets around i may lose my membership card.

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