Archives For October 2009

dan is the man in the van

October 19, 2009 — 1 Comment

“you are such a flake” she said with a devilish grin. “i’m only five minutes late, if i was flaking i wouldn’t even be here” i countered. we’d been playing this constant cat and mouse game for weeks, with constant last minute cancellations, project meetings and client calls, now, at last we were finally seated at a table about to break bread.

with weeks of careful planning on our part at stake we thought it would be best to hand over all of our communication devices to the maitre’d with strict instructions not to return them to us unless they spontaneously combusted, turned into snakes and started attacking the staff or some other equally implausible eventuality. we had been introduced by mutual friends almost a year ago to the day. according to them we were both smart, funny driven people who would either hit it off beautifully, fall in love and make beautiful children and make everyone else envious of our seemingly perfect lives or we would hate the other’s guts and our friends would have nothing to more to be envious because our ‘perfect’ lives would be devoid of love and they could hold it over our heads.

funnily our friends both used the same word to describe us – rake. as in (s)he is quite the rake, but i love her/him so. we had both broken our share of hearts along the way, but not in a vicious take no prisoners way that precludes the possibility of friendship, in fact the aforementioned friends were multiple exes who based on the same social and professional circles managed to find new interpersonal connections. and now hopefully it was going to be our turn.

it was the smell of cinnamon that woke me that morning. usually i’m out of bed first but on this particular morning i’d managed to sleep through not only her getting out of bed, but the usual noises of breakfast preparation. this was highly unusual, the other thing that was equally unusual was i dressed. i very rarely sleep in clothes, much less be so exhausted that i would wake up fully dressed under the covers.

the height of the bed and the cold tile floor added to my bewilderment. i hadn’t been drinking but i suddenly had the worst case of rum belly. i opened the first door i saw and prayed it was a bathroom. thankfully my prayers were answered.

as i planted my bum on the throne, i tried to figure where i was and how i ended up there. the bathroom looked fairly generic, right down to the dumb his and hers towels on the rack and the cutely shaped hand soaps that were a staple for guest rooms. they could never get that right, there would always be that odd edge from the mold that would take months of constant washing to go away but never happened because they always changed it after every guest.

i stood and washed my hands and face, rubbing my thumb absentmidnedly on the rough edge of the soap looking at my reflection. i looked like a bum, actually i looked like i felt – like i’d been ridden hard and put up wet. i was in a rumpled  tshirt with a r. crumb illustration and faded blue jeans, i sniffed my shirt and caught the pungent odour of smoke and hard drinking and wondered for the millionth time, what i’d been up to the night before.

as i stood there lost in my own thoughts, the scent that woke me snapped me from my reverie, time to face the piper whoever it might be. i exited the bathroom through the bedroom and onto a small carpeted landing. did i navigate stairs in my state last night? curiouser and curiouser. i made my gingerly down the stairs following my nose to the kitchen.

have you ever imagined what you’d look like as a member of the opposite sex? i didn’t have to, there i was, standing in the kitchen. i looked up or my doppleganger looked up and smiled at me. my freakishly large hands reached out towards the towels, wiped them and gestured for me to take a seat. with my heart racing i sat at the table and wondered yet again, what the hell was going on.