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Sex for sale

November 22, 2008 — Leave a comment

In a surprise move today, retail giant Walmart announced plans to add a new item to their extensive catalogue; heterosexual coitus.

The retail giant has already made deals with state and federal law makers for legislation that will allow them to sell sex without the prostitution moniker.

According to a company spokesperson, “We`re already screwing our workers, why not make more profit it from it.” In a release from Walmart, services offered will be limited to vaginal penetration only and available to male patrons over the age of 18. The women providing the service will be drawn from the employee pool and be responsible for their own healthcare. The women will be paid the going employee wage.

When asked about the needs of homosexuals and women, a Walmart spokesperson had this to say, “We`re a company with stong moral values and will not encourage this manner of depravity in our stores. We don`t deal in pornography and perversion, sex is not supposed to be enjoyable for women, it`s just a function and we believe homosexuality to be sinful. Therefore we cater only to men and only offer sex as the Good Lord intended.”

Walmart has garnered support from Christian groups and is weathering the storm of protest.

ed note: this is a satirical piece, created solely in the recesses of my deranged mind.

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sex and love

January 19, 2005 — Leave a comment

i had the fortune; or misfortune depending on your perspective; to be able to differentiate sex from love very early on. and based on my experiences i think the two can exist independently of each other but real satisfaction doesn`t happen without either of them.

as a young man, i didn`t look like the sort that would require you to lock your daughters away from, but i was. it was just disguised better, i was articulate and polite; which impressed the parents greatly and i was discreet and willing; which impressed the young ladies greatly. consequently i was slightly more successful than my peers when it came carnal activities.

and abiding by my own sexual rules; do unto others and the three stages of experimentation; by the time i was officially an adult, i`d tried just about everything i`d wanted to at that stage and was looking for some more long term. plus the spectre of AIDS had begun to rear it`s head and i scared myself into monogamy.

i became to some extent a serial monogamist, i would go from long term relationship to long term relationship and there was a pattern there too, i would get involved with friends. for one reason or another most of my close friends are female. thinking about it carefully, most of friends; full stop; are female. i have less than ten male friends. and with one exception, i`m still friends with all the exes in my adult life.

what does all of this have to do with sex and love?

sex on its own can get boring and monotonous, no matter how many people you sleep with or possibly because of how many people you sleep with. at the end of the day, the body parts are pretty much the same, it`s just the packaging that differs. love adds a new mental connection, a je ne c`est quoi to the arrangement of body parts and exchange of fluids. sex on its own is good, but without love, the extra spark is missing.

and it’s the absolute truth, even by bill clinton’s standards. 

in what has to be one of the most bizarre/outrageous/surreal fucking moments of my life, i got a call from an ex today asking me if i had been involved with a woman around the same time we had been involved. what makes the conversation spiral into the ether, is that i don’t know the woman of which she speaks (not even in the biblical sense). well i’ve had conversations with her, but that’s within the last 6 months and it’s was just professional. what makes it even stranger is that we didn’t just have sex, but some sort of relationship. 

now i’ve done flaky things in my youth, but i’ve never been so drunk, disenchanted  or had such a complete mental breakdown that i would not remember someone i had slept with far less for had a relationship with. the question foremost in my mind is why? i’m almost tempted to call her on it, but the other question it begs is what good would it do? 

i’m still struggling with the last fucking print (please god, let it be) of the annual report project (some anal retentive took pen to paper to change stray caps and fix every hypen), i stated talking to vic and then lost the network connection, fuck! fuck! fuck! an hour and a half later it’s close to midnight and i’m still not home and i have another job to get started. the kind of shit i have to do just keep my fucking head above water.

i’m at work and finding it hard to focus…

here’s a short list, you figure out why i can’t focus:

hearing my mistress whisper ‘pulchritude’ in my ear…
kneeling, blindfolded, waiting…
feeling her hands on my hips as she has her way with me…