Santa Claus [trading as St Nick on the holiday market] has been acquired by retail giant Wal-MartContinue Reading...
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In a surprise move today, retail giant Walmart announced plans to add a new item to their extensive catalogue; heterosexual coitus.
The retail giant has already made deals with state and federal law makers for legislation that will allow them to sell sex without the prostitution moniker.
According to a company spokesperson, “We`re already screwing our workers, why not make more profit it from it.” In a release from Walmart, services offered will be limited to vaginal penetration only and available to male patrons over the age of 18. The women providing the service will be drawn from the employee pool and be responsible for their own healthcare. The women will be paid the going employee wage.
When asked about the needs of homosexuals and women, a Walmart spokesperson had this to say, “We`re a company with stong moral values and will not encourage this manner of depravity in our stores. We don`t deal in pornography and perversion, sex is not supposed to be enjoyable for women, it`s just a function and we believe homosexuality to be sinful. Therefore we cater only to men and only offer sex as the Good Lord intended.”
Walmart has garnered support from Christian groups and is weathering the storm of protest.
ed note: this is a satirical piece, created solely in the recesses of my deranged mind.