Archives For satire

Recipe for a Fig Oil Republic
Mix dictatorship and opposition and let raise for juice for five years. Set crust over bottom of melting pot. Spread layer of humanity. Soak some 90’s cynical indifference.
Place in the tropical sunshine to bake.

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Not so hostile takeover

December 10, 2008 — Leave a comment

Santa Claus [trading as St Nick on the holiday market] has been acquired by retail giant Wal-Mart

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Sex for sale

November 22, 2008 — Leave a comment

In a surprise move today, retail giant Walmart announced plans to add a new item to their extensive catalogue; heterosexual coitus.

The retail giant has already made deals with state and federal law makers for legislation that will allow them to sell sex without the prostitution moniker.

According to a company spokesperson, “We`re already screwing our workers, why not make more profit it from it.” In a release from Walmart, services offered will be limited to vaginal penetration only and available to male patrons over the age of 18. The women providing the service will be drawn from the employee pool and be responsible for their own healthcare. The women will be paid the going employee wage.

When asked about the needs of homosexuals and women, a Walmart spokesperson had this to say, “We`re a company with stong moral values and will not encourage this manner of depravity in our stores. We don`t deal in pornography and perversion, sex is not supposed to be enjoyable for women, it`s just a function and we believe homosexuality to be sinful. Therefore we cater only to men and only offer sex as the Good Lord intended.”

Walmart has garnered support from Christian groups and is weathering the storm of protest.

ed note: this is a satirical piece, created solely in the recesses of my deranged mind.

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Hullo and welcome to TinyPenes Motors, your one stop home for exotic cars, penile enhancement and hair replacement treatment.

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You Need This Book!

November 20, 2008 — Leave a comment

from the best selling ghost-writers who brought you The Crack® Diet, Embezzle Your Way to Riches and It Can`t Be Self Help If You Read It In A Book comes one of the best books of the day.

Filled with cheesy conundrums and pithy platitudes, this book is guaranteed to have a catch phase in hours and if it doesn`t we`ll do the circuit and provide one for you.

This book is guaranteed to change your life. Money? Relationships? Sex? We`ve got a chapter in our book that will help you. If you think you don`t need it, you`re deluding yourself. Until you read our books your life is hopelessly in shambles.

Written entirely without any sort of factual research or medical responsibility, by people with doctorates in such diverse fields as pet psychology, divinity and lawn care, our experts know what`s right for you, whoever you are.

Order now and we`ll send one of our special questionnaires guaranteed to make you feel worse about yourself. And if it doesn`t work, you haven`t been reading our books properly.

Remember only we can help you. We have no medical, psychiatric or psychological background but we know what`s best for you. Trust us. You are incapable of making decisions on your own, we know what`s best for you. We`re ok, you`re not.

Repeat after us, `We know what`s best for you. I will buy this book. I need this book.`

You Need This Book! available everywhere! Buy it today! It will change your life!

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Coming this fall to a network near you

Ultimate Survivor:

The popular show returns this fall, with an all new location, new challenges and new rules.

Ultimate Survivor Sahara, the tribe has to make it across the desert by an means possible. New rules include losers can either be forced to find their own way home after they`re ejected or consumed by members of the opposing team. That`s right for the first time, live on national television, cannibalism. Only on CBS.

Your new Friends:

With no new episodes of Friends and all their side projects failing faster than professional baseball`s drug test, NBC brings you a new touching reality series, Finding new friends. NBC executives pull the sorriest excuse for human beings that have written in after the cancellation of Friends, send a crack team over to their house, destroy their televisions, their livelihoods and what remain of their self-respect and then turn them out into the street and have a camera crew follow them as they try to make real life friends.

The Gulag:

Leading the way with reality programming this fall, Fox presents The Gulag, partially based on Stephen King`s The Running Man and Alexander Solzhenitsyn`s One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, this show portrays prison life through the eyes of our greed, money-hungry, ratings-whores executives. From prison rapes to shot escapees, nothing will be too raw and disgusting for us to show.

Stay tuned for more of what to expect on your fall television line-up, including Who wants a pre-frontal lobotomy and For a $5 Rock.