Archives For love

After being alone in the sandbox for some time, I was joined by a neighbourhood boy who not only liked the same games I liked, but also played with some flair and lots of enthusiasm.

We had a semi-regular play date. I looked forward to the games. We worked out a relationship that is best described as a hook-up.

Me and my boy from `round the way, we decided it would just be kept in the sandbox. Sure, we`d be friendly. And we wouldn`t really be trying to play with other partners. But the whole teif-head about “you`re-the-only-boy/girl-I-want-to-play-with-ever”-well, we agreed to skip that part.

It was, at first, extremely liberating. He`d come over, we`d play. We talked, too, exchanged thoughts and ideas on the world, politics and society. But mostly, we played.

Then the games began to ease up. The first time he came over “just to talk,” I more or less freaked out. I didn`t say anything but in my heart of hearts I wondered, “Is this the end of our beautiful playtime? Is this going to devolve into the bland and soggy terrain of `friendship?`” Because, let`s face it, I didn`t like the boy for his charm. In fact, it was just the opposite. It was his lack of charm that convinced me he could be excellent in the sandbox. A certain necessary roughness, if you understand what I`m saying. That`s not the kind of person I want to be friends with-my friends tend to be more “ejicated” and a little bourgie.

(So that outs me as an elitist.) This boy was not dumb but in a room full of people to talk to, he wouldn`t be my first choice. I guess that`s one of the reasons I agreed to a hook-up and not a dating relationship. I didn`t want him as a life-partner, just a playmate. And he knew it.

Whatever the reasons, the fun and games came to an end. Rather abruptly. One night he was in the sandbox; the next night he wasn`t. And he hasn`t been back since. I think he realised that, despite our original, civilised intentions, he wanted more than just fun and games. I think-and I could be wrong, very, very wrong-that he wanted to be more than just a plaything. And now, gentle reader, I am in the rare position of having a tabanca for someone I`m not in love with, not dating and really had no plans of being involved with over a long term.

So what happened?

Is it that I discovered that I can`t keep the apples and oranges separate?

Is it that, in trying to separate my sandbox from the rest of my “real” life, I was being self-deceptive?

Or is it that I have fallen prey to the age-old appeal of the unattainable?

In making his exit from my sandbox, did he make his entre into my heart?

Just because he disappeared, is he more appealing?

Ah, who the hell knows. Right now, I don`t much care, either. I am feenin` for him, and I`d settle for the friendship-that`s how bad it is. Oh, who am I kidding. I miss the games. I want him back in my sandbox, and I want him now. If a relationship is the price I have to pay, so be it. Bring on the violins.

[ed note:

tabanca, n. (ta-ban-kaa)

Trinidad & Tobago

1. A state of sadness or depression caused by the abscence (temporary or permanent) of a loved one

2. A state of sadness or depression caused by unreturned love

3. A state of fear or worry, caused by concern over the infedelity of an absent loved one


sex and love

January 19, 2005 — Leave a comment

i had the fortune; or misfortune depending on your perspective; to be able to differentiate sex from love very early on. and based on my experiences i think the two can exist independently of each other but real satisfaction doesn`t happen without either of them.

as a young man, i didn`t look like the sort that would require you to lock your daughters away from, but i was. it was just disguised better, i was articulate and polite; which impressed the parents greatly and i was discreet and willing; which impressed the young ladies greatly. consequently i was slightly more successful than my peers when it came carnal activities.

and abiding by my own sexual rules; do unto others and the three stages of experimentation; by the time i was officially an adult, i`d tried just about everything i`d wanted to at that stage and was looking for some more long term. plus the spectre of AIDS had begun to rear it`s head and i scared myself into monogamy.

i became to some extent a serial monogamist, i would go from long term relationship to long term relationship and there was a pattern there too, i would get involved with friends. for one reason or another most of my close friends are female. thinking about it carefully, most of friends; full stop; are female. i have less than ten male friends. and with one exception, i`m still friends with all the exes in my adult life.

what does all of this have to do with sex and love?

sex on its own can get boring and monotonous, no matter how many people you sleep with or possibly because of how many people you sleep with. at the end of the day, the body parts are pretty much the same, it`s just the packaging that differs. love adds a new mental connection, a je ne c`est quoi to the arrangement of body parts and exchange of fluids. sex on its own is good, but without love, the extra spark is missing.

day 16

April 23, 2003 — Leave a comment

awake, alive, aware.

still fighting this goddamn flu and no it’s not SARS, the only reason i’m going to work today is that i have work to finish for a presentation and i always finish a project.

i have to admit i’ve done quite a lot of shit in my life, but the right things i do, stand out like a beacon. 🙂

i love you vic.

i made all sort of excuses before making this post today.

waiting to see how my day at work went, then came home and watched mindless tv for hours. i’m hooked, xfiles, charmed, gilmore girls and smallville. now it’s late and i’m getting the flu…

but i decided today is not a day for bitching. even though i’m getting the flu and my job sucks, blah, blah, blah…

today’s post is about victoria, for those of you, who don’t know, vic is my wife of 1 year, 3 months and 4 days, who i’ve seen once (7 month ago in london) since we got married.

the reason for our separation a long story, needless to say it involves some measure of bureaucracy (lots and lots of it, but that is a matter for another, less positive post)

in brief… vic is the love of my life, she is my joy. she makes me tremendously happy and strangely one of the reasons for my constant depression is that i’m away from her, it’s difficult to focus your energies when it seems like a major piece of your life is missing.

ok, i’m sliding the path of the maudlin plus i just started a major coughing fit, so i’m going to turn in for the night and continue this when i awake.


day five

April 12, 2003 — Leave a comment

question everything.

everything… but love.

love is the glue that binds us. love protects from the slings of outrageous fortune and shields us from malice. love strengthens us. love is all.