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Archives For May 2003

i have decided…

May 8, 2003 — Leave a comment

to follow jesus, no turning back, no turning back…

well not quite, i’m not going to stress about this anymore. when the time is right it will get sorted out. i’m not giving up, i’m just not letting these people affect my life. i had a great night’s sleep and some truly lascivious dreams (always helpful in improving my mood) and i got up this morning and realised, that i’m in love with and married to someone who makes me incredibly happy, we’re not together right now, but that’s not insurmountable.

i am going to call this morning before i go to work and keep calling til i hear something but, in the mean time, i’ll make plans to see vic when i can. i’m going to spend the rest of my life with her, this time is but a drop in the bucket.

in other news (i’ve been up far too long) here are a couple of entertainments to take you through the day, some of them are a little old, i wasn’t up to the news yesterday (really now)

God’s Blog

Microsloth truly in the shit (i kid you not) there is also a picture

the real pte lynch story

and last but not least, fresh off the presses today…

TV watchdog checks claims of bias on Murdoch channel which is no fun without this tidbit

enjoy yourselves people, i’ll be back later.

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too tired to come up with something witty

May 7, 2003 — Leave a comment

so now i’m not longer blinded by rage, i’m just quietly angry, it’s just a dull throbbing in the back of my head, i’ve secluded myself at work… looking for images. i can’t actually work, i am so unfocussed right now it isn’t funny.

i’m tired. i feel beaten. i would cry if i thought i would be able to stop or if there were enough tears in the world. i wont ever consider giving up because i don’t think i’d ever be happy again if i did.
but i don’t know what else to do. i do actually, the anal retentive in me always has a plan B thru F.

the question is how viable are these plans and how much longer do i have to wait.

all i really want is to fall asleep next to vic every night, for us to be safe together, i don’t care where, just as long as we’re together.

is that too much to ask? is that so difficult?

a friend told me that i’ll be able look back on this and laugh at some point, i’d just like to know when.

what also pisses me off is the fucking attitude of these people – we own your lives so we can treat you however we like and because of sept 11 we don’t have to answer to anyone, fuck you very much.

i…

FUCK!

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what the fuck can i say

May 7, 2003 — Leave a comment

i am so angry right now. and what’s worse there is no focal point. my head is throbbing. i’m supposed to go in to work now, but i don’t know if i can, i need a room with padded walls where i can scream and throw stuff and not injure myself.

why? why is this so hard?

there is only one reason i have not just given up is victoria. i have never been happier or more complete and no amount of fucking bureaucracy and moron employees is going to take that away from me.

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and in the news today…

May 6, 2003 — Leave a comment

i just caught the beginning of escape from LA and thought – fact is truly stranger than fiction, everyday i read something else that makes me ponder about the ‘land of the free’ concept…

there is the latest insanity by walmart (don’t these people have anything better to do with their fucking time)

and then there is this brilliant piece in the Progressive Review about the current us adminstration trying to teach the iraqis democracy any thing that begins like this:

Tired of killing Muslims, we are now trying to teach their survivors some democracy.
There are a number of practical problems with this, among them being that the curriculum is in the hands of the most authoritarian, deceitful, anti-democratic, and constitution-wrecking administration we’ve ever had. But there’s an even more disturbing matter: wander around your nation’s capital and try to find something better. Leaving aside anomalies such as the ACLU and the Cato Institute, a few members of Congress, and a handful of anachronic journalists, this town shows virtually no interest in liberty, the Constitution, or democracy these days – except when prescribing them to those in far away lands.

read it in it’s entirety here

and for those of you who wonder where i get a lot of my entertainments, try metafilter (thank you vic)

ooooh, just saw this one truly a woman after my own heart. 

i’m off to keep myself distracted, i don’t seem to have an kind of control over my body, not that i want to, but it’s just so pointless by myself.

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another day, more good karma

May 6, 2003 — Leave a comment

i just typed an entire post in ijournal before i logged and when i did it disappeared, under normal circumstances i would be pissed, but fuck it. i just faxed off a quote for a web development job, hopefully it comes through and i have some cash to squirrel away.

i’m working on good karma, i call santo domingo tomorrow, i need all that i can muster. it’s been 6 months 2 weeks since i’ve seen victoria and before that 8 months. this is not even marginally funny. it hurts physically and emotionally.

i will not go another 8 months before i see her again. i will not. this is not a tantrum, this is my mantra. one way or another i will see her, i will be with her by june. we will prevail.

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and now for something completely different

May 5, 2003 — Leave a comment

i tried for positive karma today and i succeeded. i had a great day today. i got to work late, took a long lunch, spent 3 hours looking for pictures and left promptly at 4:30, still got everything i needed to done.

i think it’s a good sign when the first thing you see on television is monty python. the last thing i heard as i was heading out the door was the parrot sketch, i kept that with me all day.

i’m about to read the mail and all the news for the day so my mood may change but i think not. i may get upset, but i’m still on emotional and physical high. it’s mostly hormonal but the key is to ride it as long as possible.

be back in a bit, with the news and views.

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good morning, good morning, good morning

May 5, 2003 — Leave a comment

as you can tell i’m in a really good mood this morning. i’m getting ready for work, there is monty python on the tv and all seems right in the world. 

well not quite, but i’m working on generating positive karma. 

i’m off to my airconditioned job. i post later and let you know how my grasp of positivity goes. 

but on an entirely distressing note, take a read of this (it’s a ny times article so you may have to sign up, but again it’s free)

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too hot to do anything

May 4, 2003 — Leave a comment

i tried to nap this afternoon, but it was too hot. tried to do some work this evening, but it was too damn hot. even at 8pm, it feels like 31C (87F) i would give my arm for air conditioning, it’s one of the reasons i enjoy going to work, it’s got a/c

and with my body on a rampage, the heat is not helping. i gave up on the aqua erotica, although the concept of a waterproof erotica book rocks.

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May 4, 2003 — Leave a comment

i finished kathryn harrison’s the binding chair this morning and i should get back to the richard brautigan but it is national masturbation month so i’m starting aqua erotica edited by mary anne mohanraj instead. it’s a formula one sunday so i’ve been up since 7:30 watching the spanish grand prix.

what is it about depression and horniness. i seemed to have risen out of my funk, but now i’m incrdedibly horny. masturbation is a relief but it that’s about it. there is no joy in it anymore. and i’m orally fixated and there is really no substitute for that is there.

i’m supposed to go to a birthday party tonight but i’m wondering have i already partied too much on friday and do i need to go and see all these happy couples?

i’ve just made an observation watching F1, a lot of the ads are for hair loss products. i understand the car ads, the new porsche SUV (more on that in a minute) ads for upcoming stuff on the channel, but what are they saying, F1 fans are a bunch of middle aged guys who are losing their hair?

which brings me to the porsche SUV, what is the market for that? what is the point of it? as if there aren’t enough status symbols in the world do we need this? or i could just be jealous that i can’t afford one? what’s next a ferarri family sedan?

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recovering

May 3, 2003 — Leave a comment

i didn’t stay in last night, my ex wife encouraged me to get out of the house and to come to a gig her bf was playing. (side note: in between all the drinking i did hear him play and he’s quite talented. he started the set with some cover tunes but then finished with a set of originals.) it was mostly to prevent me from staying at home and drinking alone (which is always a bad sign), so i went out and drank, drank myself fucking stupid. 2 jack daniels & coke, 4 southern comfort & sprite, 2 beers and the shot of tequila that was the final nail in the coffin.

somehow i managed to stagger home and collapse into bed. i’d never experienced a hangover before today… oh my god, i swore i’d never drink again but we know how long these promises last. i’ll probably never drink to excess again.

which brings me to another point, is it just me, but if you’re drinking with friends, aren’t you the least bit concerned about how they’re getting home? i lurched away from a table full of people and no one seemed the least concerned how i was getting home, not a peep.

anyway i got home and i recovered…

recovered enough to go see x2, as a matter of fact. which was great, had a blast, i loved it. actually planning on going to see it again.

so in a nutshell was my day. i’m still battling the after effects of that massive bout of drinking so i’m going to get something to eat, put my feet and watch spiderman on tv

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