This is a repost from a indie zine/website called Topsoil that I used to run with Dennis Allen and Lisa Allen-Agostini at the turn of the millennium.
Recipe for a Fig Oil Republic
1 Reasonable Size Republic
1 (step)Father of Nation/ 1 Perpetual Opposition Leader cum Prime Minister (These Ingredients interchangeable)
1 Political Party/fete, Wannabe opposition
1 Handful of ungrateful illiterate black people from Laventille
1 Tall and dark person to identify them
1 Cane Belt
1 Two Seat Powerbase (step)Sister Island
Backbiting, conspiracy and mauvais langue a must
Method:
Mix dictatorship and opposition and let raise for juice for five years. Set crust over bottom of melting pot. Spread layer of humanity. Soak some 90’s cynical indifference.
Place in the tropical sunshine to bake.
Dry mix illegal drug profits, twenty odd years of exorbitant oil revenues. Sprinkle with doomed State Enterprises, religious fanatics with large guns and good legal aid, non-elected Ministers with grandiose personal financial agendas and the island sub-state of psuedo-caucasian BougTowers (just left of Bmer Gardens); blend until the impoverished middle class starts turning vagrants.
Separate into enough servings to feed greedy foreign interests.
Soak cane belt in curry and cheap flour and marinate with duty free imported liquor. When State’s bitter rhetoric rises to the top, separate noisier unmonied dissidents with own agendas (they might sour the whole pot).
Throw everything together and blend with narco-interdiction boat propellers for one election.
Pour over crust and set oven for post colonial. (You’ll know its done when a maxi taxi driver becomes Chief Financial Comptroller of a Transportation Enterprise).
Spice liberally with backbiting, conspiracy and mauvais langue
Serve Cold and Hard to a gullible public that would take anything.
Garnish with bullshit lyrics and small cheap cars.
Makes enough for about a million, million & a half or thereabouts.
Preserve remains with weekly tabloid headlines.
In a move expected by many analysts, Santa Claus [trading as St Nick on the holiday market] has been acquired by retail giant Wal-mart in a deal estimated to be worth billions. Santa Claus, a long time family run franchise has been on the rocks for the last decade with increased competition in the manufacturing, production and delivery sectors but still engenders a great deal of goodwill and brand recognition worldwide.
While details of the merger while still sketchy, it is understood that Santa Claus will become a registered Wal-mart brand and in exchange Wal-mart will provide a better manufacturing and distribution system. Current Santa Claus employees are guaranteed continued employment through 2010 as long as they remain un-unionised and undergo new skills training, a Wal-mart spokesman said today. The Santa Claus workforce consists of between three and five thousand skilled minority workers and low overhead, however with the advent of automation and a greater demand for electronics the organisation found itself unable to compete.
The merger is expected to go smoothly, with CEO and COO, Santa Claus retiring effective immediately to spend more time with his family. Other long time stalwarts of the organisation; Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph; are expected to stay on until December 2008 to help in the transition of delivery systems.
In a surprise move today, retail giant Walmart announced plans to add a new item to their extensive catalogue; heterosexual coitus.
The retail giant has already made deals with state and federal law makers for legislation that will allow them to sell sex without the prostitution moniker.
According to a company spokesperson, “We`re already screwing our workers, why not make more profit it from it.” In a release from Walmart, services offered will be limited to vaginal penetration only and available to male patrons over the age of 18. The women providing the service will be drawn from the employee pool and be responsible for their own healthcare. The women will be paid the going employee wage.
When asked about the needs of homosexuals and women, a Walmart spokesperson had this to say, “We`re a company with stong moral values and will not encourage this manner of depravity in our stores. We don`t deal in pornography and perversion, sex is not supposed to be enjoyable for women, it`s just a function and we believe homosexuality to be sinful. Therefore we cater only to men and only offer sex as the Good Lord intended.”
Walmart has garnered support from Christian groups and is weathering the storm of protest.
ed note: this is a satirical piece, created solely in the recesses of my deranged mind.
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Coming this fall to a network near you
Ultimate Survivor:
The popular show returns this fall, with an all new location, new challenges and new rules.
Ultimate Survivor Sahara, the tribe has to make it across the desert by an means possible. New rules include losers can either be forced to find their own way home after they`re ejected or consumed by members of the opposing team. That`s right for the first time, live on national television, cannibalism. Only on CBS.
Your new Friends:
With no new episodes of Friends and all their side projects failing faster than professional baseball`s drug test, NBC brings you a new touching reality series, Finding new friends. NBC executives pull the sorriest excuse for human beings that have written in after the cancellation of Friends, send a crack team over to their house, destroy their televisions, their livelihoods and what remain of their self-respect and then turn them out into the street and have a camera crew follow them as they try to make real life friends.
The Gulag:
Leading the way with reality programming this fall, Fox presents The Gulag, partially based on Stephen King`s The Running Man and Alexander Solzhenitsyn`s One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, this show portrays prison life through the eyes of our greed, money-hungry, ratings-whores executives. From prison rapes to shot escapees, nothing will be too raw and disgusting for us to show.
Stay tuned for more of what to expect on your fall television line-up, including Who wants a pre-frontal lobotomy and For a $5 Rock.
