it`s sunday and i haven`t got fuck all to do all day. i`m loathe to say i`m bored, but that would pretty much sum it up. i have no desire to flick mindlessly through the channels. i could walk to the office and while the hours online, but i don`t want to start the precedent of being in the office every weekend.
i have some shirts that need ironing but without iron or ironing board there`s no way that`s getting done. there is really nothing for me to do around here. i had breakfast and i cooked and had lunch, had a post lunch nap and bath.
all this sitting around idly has me thinking about church. i`m not a regular churchgoer, i think i can be pleasantly described as a hatch, match, dispatch churchgoer and even then i`m picky about those that i do attend. for the thoroughly confused; hatch, match, dispatch translate to baptisms, weddings and funerals.
i`m a lapsed catholic which i suppose makes me the worse sort religious cynic. i honestly believe everyone has a right to their beliefs but my issues start when your religion starts to encroach on my freedoms and is used as a basis for intolerance.
i wasn`t always like this. i was baptised catholic, even though my mother was a methodist, what it meant is that every weekend i was in church twice, i would go to mass on a saturday and then off to service with my mother on a sunday, so i was pretty much covered on all bases. i went to a parochial school and by the time i was nine i was an altar boy, i made my first communion with the boys in my class. i went to another parochial school for my high school education and was pretty much a good catholic boy, well with the exception of ducking the mandatory religious knowledge class in my first semester at school and the pornography club i was running by my third year in school [another story for another day]. i was still an altar boy, i did mass at least three times a week. i even had thoughts of becoming a priest. i hadn`t had any run-ins with the child-molesters the church is famous for breeding and i still said the apostle`s creed and believed it wholeheartedly.
all that changed in my final year of high school. in my caribbean history class i started to question the church`s track record in the new world, you know; the magna carta, forced conversions, genocide, slavery, then as i read more, the inquisition, their stance during world war II, you get the picture and then my parish started hitting on me, culminating with my expulsion from the confirmation class because i spurned his advances.
i started to question, first i just questioned catholicism, but i started noticing the same levels of hypocrisy and double standards were part and parcel of religion. then i started doing research on christianity and that opened a whole new can of worms. i`m going to raise a point here that most people either don`t know or chose to ignore; until the advent commercial printing, the bible was hand-copied by a select few priest and even then distribution was limited. so no matter what version of christianity you practise today, the bible you use is based on a version originally approved by emperor constantine and amended as seen fit by various popes up til the reformation.
another amusing fact [especially in light of various christian organisations, decrying halloween as a satanic/pagan ritual] is that all the major christian high holy days or holidays are actually just conversions of pagan festivals. beltane became easter, the winter solstice became christmas. makes you think doesn`t.
but before i come off as biased, i feel the same about all religions. religion is a construct. go back far enough and you`ll find some power-brokers, politician, king, elder, whatever, telling people how and what to believe. it helps keeps the masses in control and always to the exclusion of someone.
all this doesn`t mean i don`t believe in a force greater than myself, i believe. i just don`t need someone telling me how to believe. and yes i am a hypocrite. my children are baptised and attend church regularly. why you ask? so they get can get the same platform i had, when the time comes, they too will question or maybe they wont, but they would not have been deprived on an opportunity.
for my divinely endowed wife.
i love you.
here are this year`s short list and winner for the bad sex in fiction award.
i had planned on going home cause i wasn`t functioning at work, but down came the rains and as much i like it, i was in no mood to walk home in it.
it`s been on my mind all week and my body hasn`t been backward in making its needs be known. [official kitty count from sunday to today: 36]
i`ve been thinking a lot about how i got to this point and what drives me sexually.
growing up i know my mother had boyfriends, but i think there was a point where she may have believed she was setting a bad example so she stopped or at least i was no longer aware of them.
but sex was never a mystery for me, my mother was open and upfront about it and there were a couple books around the house and they were never hidden away and for a period of time, i pored over those books, learning everything i could. between man`s body, woman`s body, then sensuous woman and some other 70`s sex tome whose name escapes me at the moment, i learned the joys of my body, solo. i think those books helped shape me sexual.
i`m comfortable in my sexuality, the things i haven`t done are pretty much in the not interested column and even then i don`t think i`m in a position to judge, except for pedophiles. any motherfucker that puts their hand on my children, will die by my hand.
anything two consenting adults chose to do [primarily in the privacy of their own household] is fine by me.
i have a theory [told you, i have a lot of these things, too much time on my hands i guess] that there are three stages to natural sexual development:
solo; experimenting and learning about self, same sex; experimenting and giving pleasure to a body you`re familiar with and then finally the opposite sex. a lot of people skip a step, more power to them. i`ve experienced all three steps, not necessarily in the order i explained and i`ve learned a couple of things which i carry with me still.
1. learn what does it for you and share it with your partner, sex isn`t supposed to be a guessing game.
2. you are what you eat, how you taste men and women is dictated by what you consume [do the research, i did]
3. no means hell no, maybe means no and yes can still mean no. even if you`re both naked on the bed in flagrante delecto and they say stop, you fucking well stop.
4. forcing someone`s head up and down during a blowjob, never polite, no matter how many movies you saw it in. it`s impolite and uncomfortable.
5. sex is supposed to be fun. it`s nothing to be ashamed of and it`s not a competition. enjoy it.
6. communication. it`s the most important part of any sexual relationship. even before the clothes come off.
i love to feel and see vic`s skin against mine. it`s an amazing thing, she`s smooth and soft and our bodies intertwined is not jarring but complementary.
she likes to trace the patterns of my tattoos and i love her hands and her mouth against my skin. we share the same worshipful attitude with each other. the gentle caresses, kisses, touching.
showers are another form of worship, luxuriating in the water, playing, laughing. vic`s skin flushed with the heat, pressed against mine, water streaming over us.
there are moments when i just sit and look at her, drinking in her beauty. imprinting the image of her in my brain.
one of the things i miss is just lying or sitting next to vic, the feel of her skin next to mine, it`s comforting, arousing, joyous, a complete feeling.
i long to experience that feeling everyday.
sex has become a commodity and alternative lifestyles are becoming more accepted on a daily basis, yes there are hold outs but they`re becoming the minority as society appears to become more accepting.
my problem with this is the backlash. for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. and particularly when something gets embraced by popular culture. already the metrosexual backlash has started gaining momentum [something i`m somewhat grateful for], but how soon before faddish acceptance of alternative lifestyles, not just sexuality, but religion are knocked on their collective asses by the swing of the pendulum?
as a child, describing me as conservative would be polite, anal retentive and straight laced would be more accurate. i would chide my mother for cursing at other drivers on the road, i was regular churchgoer, an altar boy for close to five years, i didn`t just toe the line, i recommended where the line should be. look at me know, i`m sure my mother wonders where she went wrong. but that`s just the problem, she didn`t, the primary difference between keifel aged 0 – 14 and keifel today is the questions.
at some point in mid-teens i started asking difficult questions and when i couldn`t get satisfactory answers, i went looking for my own. i`m still looking.
as a society, it`s not about asking questions, it`s about fitting in, even if you disagree. the current fad is being non-conformist or fitting in oddly. and eventually this will change. because someone high enough on the food chain will decide this is what is good for the masses. with enough money and/or power you can control the thoughts of the masses.
mob mentality always ends in violence.
i can`t remember if i came up with this or if it`s something i read somewhere and forgot. individually you can reason with most human beings and convince them of a point but societies tend to be sheep willing to be lead. religiously, politically, economically we`re all lead.
i`m not an anarchist, i think there should be order and i think we need to be managed. but definitely not by people who are volunteering to do so, they always have their own agenda.
remember mr. snaffleburger says: CONFORM! CONSUME! OBEY!
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i can smell my longing, at least i think i can. it`s almost tangible. i got up this morning and reached for vic, that was how real the scent was.
my sense of smell has always been fairly sensitive and it only gets better. one of the things about vic that has been imprinted onto my brain is how she smells. there are very few artificial scents on her.
i`m not against people who wear perfume, but it should be an accent, not overpowering. perfume shops give me an instant headache, the scents are like an out of tune orchestra playing at full volume. all it does is assail my senses.
sadly, we`ve fallen prey to advertisers who encourage us to hide our natural scent. i`m not saying don`t bathe, but understand that we smell the way we do for a reason.
which brings me to a point about pheromones, the body secretes this to help us attract our partners, it a genetic throwback and i think we should pay a little more attention to it. the same way we know food is bad i think we have it in our reptilian brain to know when someone is bad for us. i`m not talking about the general body odour can be helped with a bath, but something more visceral. we can sense it and we should pay attention to it.
as an extension, i also believe there is a scent you emit when you`ve been single and unhappy for a prolonged period, i call it the scent of desperation. i believe it starts developing a couple months into being single when you start to think that there isn`t someone is out there for you and you start dwelling on what could be wrong with you and relationships you`ve been in. as time passes it gets stronger and you fall into a vicious cycle, no one will go out with you because the can sense the desperation and you spend more time questioning your self-worth.
don`t believe me, look at from the other perspective from the time you`re content and settled [in anything], people start crawling out the woodwork, it`s like all of a sudden you`re the bees knees. but it`s really simple, they don`t call it the sweet smell of success for nothing.
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or i knew there was something important i had to say.
[mounts pedestal]
today is world aids day.
do something positive.
get tested, buy some condoms for someone who is sexual active, march, participate.
HIV/AIDS is a global epidemic. it can happen to you, it can happen to some one you know.
[steps off pedestal]
the amount of kittens killed this weekend is amazing. particularly in light of the number of waking hours and time i spent in the actually apartment.
on saturday night a friend took me on a small tour of my immediate [at least 10 minutes by car] surroundings which included a visit to emancipation park and the contentiously endowed statues. i have to say, having seen the statues, i`m not sure what all the furore is about, in terms of scale they appear to be appropriately proportioned. i guess it`s whole concept of a naked penis that seem to throw people.
on sunday, i cleaned and cooked, went to another supermarket, primarily to get out of the apartment but ended up getting some stuff. i found fruta guava pineapple and there was no way i was passing up an opportunity like that.
everything i`ve been doing has been coloured with a longing for vic, i`m enjoying myself here but it`s tempered by the fact that vic isn`t here with me. the physical longing is making it`s presence felt in waking and dreaming moments but it`s more than that, i want to be able to talk to her, i want to her to share my meals, i want to be in her presence. i read her post today and cried.
i`m married to this amazing woman and she wonders if she`s worthy of me, i think it`s the other way around. i`ve done so much shit in my life to be blessed with a woman of her stature. i am honoured.
i`m haunted. been this way since last night. stayed up until some ridiculous hour and still managed to get up early. i spent the morning watching more tv, taking a shave, killing a few kittens, creating a list of music i lost, then more tv and now i`m in the office.
i`m edgy, i want to be doing something, but i`m not sure what.
i watched pump up the volume just before i left home. what is it about the female stars of the 80s that was so much more appealing than those of today? why did it seem like the characters had more depth? or is it just me?
i`m going to work on my mother`s annual finance project, hopefully by the time that`s done i`ll be in a better frame of mind.
