i was thinking about the nature of conspiracy and what people believe. i used to be one of the people that believed that the government had it’s fingers in every dirty little pie, but i think i give them too much credit. i’m sure governments have their shady little dealing but consider if you will the monica lewinsky scandal. there were two people in the room but still weeks later the entire world knew about it. if the two people involved couldn’t keep it a secret can you imagine involving even more people to conspire?
i’m discounting conspiracies out of hand, but soon or later, someone will slip and the more people that are involved, the greater the likelihood.
The Three Minute Hamlet
Adam McNaughton
There was a king nodding in his garden all alone,
When his brother in his ear poured a little bit of henbane,
Stole his brother`s crown and his money and his widow,
But the dead king walked and got his son and said, “Now listen kiddo,
I`ve been killed and it`s your duty to take revenge on Claudius,
Kill him quick and clean and tell the nation what a fraud he is.”
The kid says, “Right I`ll do it, but I`ll have to play it crafty,
So that no will suspect me I`ll kid on that I`m a dafty.”
So for all except Horatio, and he counts him as a friend,
Hamlet, that`s the kid, he kids on he`s `round the bend,
And because he`s not yet willing for obligatory killing,
He tries to make his uncle think he`s tuppence off a shilling.
Takes a rise out of Polonius, treats poor Ophelia vile,
Tells Rosencrantz and Guildenstern that Denmark`s blooded bile,
Then a troupe of traveling actors local seven eighty four,
Arrive to do a special one-night gig in Elsinore.
Hamlet, Hamlet, acting balmy,
Hamlet, Hamlet, loves his mommy,
Hamlet, Hamlet, hesitating,
He wonders if the ghost`s a fake,
And that is why he`s waiting.
So Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact,
So Horatio and he could see if Claudius cracked,
The play was called “The Mousetrap” (not the one that`s running now),
And sure enough the king walked out before the scene was through.
So Hamlet`s got the proof his uncle gave his dad the dose,
The only problem being now that Claudius knows he knows,
So while Hamlet tells his mother her new husband`s not a fit man,
Uncle Claude takes out a contract with the English king as hit man.
Then when Hamlet killed Polonius, and the corpus was delecti,
Was the king`s excuse to send him for an English hempen necktie,
With Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to make quite sure he got there,
But Hamlet jumped the boat and put the finger straight on that pair.
When Laertes heard his dad`s killed in the bedroom in the arras,
He came running back to Elsinore tout-suite hot-foot from Paris.
When Ophelia heard her dad`s killed by the man she was to marry,
After saying it with flowers, she committed hari-kari.
Hamlet, Hamlet, no messin`
Hamlet, Hamlet, learned his lesson
Hamlet, Hamlet, Yorick`s crust
Convinced him all men good or bad,
At last must come to dust.
Then Laertes lost his cool and was demanding retribution,
The king said keep your head and I`ll supply you a solution.
So the king arranged a swordfight for the interested parties,
With a blunted sword for Hamlet and a sharp sword for Laertes.
And to make double sure (the old belt-and-braces line),
He fixed up a poisoned sword-tip and a poisoned cup of wine.
The poisoned sword got Hamlet, but Laertes went and fluffed it,
Because he stabbed himself and he confessed before he snuffed it.
Then Hamlet`s mommy drank the wine and as her face turned blue,
Hamlet said, “I think this king`s a baddie through and through.”
“Incestuous, murderous, damned Dane,” he said, to be precise,
Then made up for hesitating once, by killing Claudius twice.
He stabbed him with his knife and forced the wine between his lips
He said, “The rest is silence,” and he cashed in all his chips.
They fired a volley over him that shook the topmost rafter,
And Fortinbras, knee deep in Danes, lived happily ever after.
Hamlet, Hamlet, end of story
Hamlet, Hamlet, very gory
Hamlet, Hamlet, I`m on my way
And if you think that was confusing,
You should read the bloody play.
actually performed in 4:57 by John Wesley Harding, available free and legally here, go download and enjoy. well as much as you can enjoy murder and mayhem.
In a move expected by many analysts, Santa Claus [trading as St Nick on the holiday market] has been acquired by retail giant Wal-mart in a deal estimated to be worth billions. Santa Claus, a long time family run franchise has been on the rocks for the last decade with increased competition in the manufacturing, production and delivery sectors but still engenders a great deal of goodwill and brand recognition worldwide.
While details of the merger while still sketchy, it is understood that Santa Claus will become a registered Wal-mart brand and in exchange Wal-mart will provide a better manufacturing and distribution system. Current Santa Claus employees are guaranteed continued employment through 2010 as long as they remain un-unionised and undergo new skills training, a Wal-mart spokesman said today. The Santa Claus workforce consists of between three and five thousand skilled minority workers and low overhead, however with the advent of automation and a greater demand for electronics the organisation found itself unable to compete.
The merger is expected to go smoothly, with CEO and COO, Santa Claus retiring effective immediately to spend more time with his family. Other long time stalwarts of the organisation; Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph; are expected to stay on until December 2008 to help in the transition of delivery systems.
Can I Get An Amen? is an audio installation that unfolds a critical perspective of perhaps the most sampled drum beat in the history of recorded music, the Amen Break. It begins with the pop track Amen Brother by 60’s soul band The Winstons, and traces the transformation of their drum solo from its original context as part of a ‘B’ side vinyl single into its use as a key aural ingredient in contemporary cultural expression. The work attempts to bring into scrutiny the techno-utopian notion that ‘information wants to be free’- it questions its effectiveness as a democratizing agent. This as well as other issues are foregrounded through a history of the Amen Break and its peculiar relationship to current copyright law.
idiots.
i went to a bookstore last night, and as we were walking out i observed a whole rack of books, all titled The Idiot`s guide to… and i thought to myself, why would i want an idiot`s guide to anything?
i know it`s about simplification, making it easy for the layman. however, the elitist snob in me, frowns upon the lowest common denominator. i work in a field that caters to the lowest common denominator and it sucks. the best and brightest ideas are throw by the wayside because the masses aren`t going to get it.
the masses are sheep, who are too lazy to think for themselves. is there where you want your decision making process? is this the kind of information you want to fill yourself with?
a friend once commented that i was an education snob, i don`t think that`s quite right. i cannot abide stupid and ignorant people. some people go to school for aeons and are still idiots, so it`s not about education, it`s about intelligence and using it.
i mean, i`m not special, i have the same brain as everyone else, i have access to the same volumes of information as everyone else, why don`t more people use it? why are people so willing to let others make decisions or tell them what to do all the time?
2008 marks the 20th anniversary of World AIDS Day. Since 1988, the face and response to AIDS has greatly changed. While many of these changes are positive, this anniversary offers us an opportunity to highlight how much more still needs to be done.
For example:
Leaders in most countries from around the world now acknowledge the threat of AIDS, and many have committed to do something about it. As of 2007, nearly all countries have national policies on HIV. However, despite these policies, most have not been fully implemented and many lack funding allocations.
While treatment for HIV and AIDS has improved and become more widespread since 1988, many still do not have access to it – in 2007 only 31% of those in low- to middle-income countries who need treatment received it.
Despite HIV awareness now reaching nearly all areas of the globe, infection rates are still happening 2.7 times faster than the increase in number of people receiving treatment.
While the number of countries protecting people living with HIV continue to increase, one third of countries still lack legal protections and stigma and discrimination continues to be a major threat to universal access.
More broadly, real action on HIV and AIDS and human rights remains lacking. Legal barriers to HIV services still exist for groups such as women, adolescents, sex workers, people who use drugs, and men having sex with men, and programmatic responses promoting HIV-related human rights have yet to be prioritised.
for more information visit World Aids Campaign
100 things about me:
1. i`m left handed
2. i`m an only child
3. i never graduated college/university
4. i like to drive
5. i drove 11 hours to propose to vic
6. i have an amazing sense of direction
7. i ate the first book my mother every gave me
8. it was tootles the taxi
9. my mother used to buy me a book on the 23rd of every month (my birthday is august 23)
10. i go adventure driving, it`s a hold over from sunday evenings with my mother
11. i`m generally a cynic
12. i`m a faithful friend
13. i love passionately
14. i`m good with figures
15. i have a good ear for language
16. etymology is a hobby of mine
17. i`m jamaican by descent.
18. my paternal great-grandparents came from corsica
19. when i get bored i get into trouble
20. i`m not a very good dancer
21. i don`t drink coffee
22. i recently started drinking tea again
23. vic is my second wife
24. i`m a cat person
25. i don`t like small dogs
26. i had cats and fish as pets growing up
27. i was the short, fat kid through most of high school
28. i`m not particularly sociable
29. i have issues with being popular
30. i`m a science fiction fan
31. i`m a stephen king fan
32. i`m a hunter s. thompson fan
33. i`m a william gibson fan
35. i`m a terry pratchett fan
36. i love douglas adams
37. i met douglas adams in person
38. i have a book autographed by douglas adams
39. i`m open about my sexuality
40. i love strong women
41. pregnant women turn me on
42. i`m a leg man
43. i`m a geek
44. i`m anal retentive about clocks blinking 12:00
45. i can programme almost anything without a manual
46. i can touch type
47. i`m a macintosh user
48. i`m orally fixated
49. i love sex
50. i have tried almost everything i want to sexually
51. i`ve found my sexual equal
52. i use language people find offensive
53. i have a sick sense of humour
54. people love or fear my tongue
55. when i`m angry i lash out with words
56. i appreciate my mother more now
57. i used to dress funny
58. i used to model
59. i used to run 5 and 10K races
60. i used to take photos
61. i think organised religion is a sham
62. i believe in freedom of speech
63. i would be willing to give my life for it.
64. i would be willing to give my life for my children
65. i would do almost anything for vic
66. i`ve won prizes playing scrabble
67. i`ve won a prize for my handwriting
68. i have eclectic musical tastes
69. i`ll listen to almost anything once
70. i don`t do drugs
71. i can count the number of times i`ve smoked marijuana
72. when i get drunk i go to sleep
73. my favourite drink is jack daniels and coke
74. i think american beer taste like crap
75. i think any beer you have to twist the cap off is not a real beer
76. i like red wine
77. i particularly like shiraz
78. i`m a carnivore
79. i`ve eaten beef in the UK
80. i`ve eaten beef in europe
81. i weigh too much
82. i don`t like gyms
83. i can play pool
84. i can throw darts
85. my tongue is pierced
86. it`s for practical not decorative purposes
87. i can cook
88. i cook by instinct
89. i like spicy food
90. i`m friends with all my exes except one
91. she`s the mother of my first daughter
92. i don`t manage money very well
93. people take advantage of me easily
94. i`ve only recently learned to say `no`
95. i like to travel
96. i would love to live in london
97. i don`t do tourist-y things
98. i don`t generally like large groups of people
99. people fascinate me
100. i haven’t changed much since i first created the list.
In a surprise move today, retail giant Walmart announced plans to add a new item to their extensive catalogue; heterosexual coitus.
The retail giant has already made deals with state and federal law makers for legislation that will allow them to sell sex without the prostitution moniker.
According to a company spokesperson, “We`re already screwing our workers, why not make more profit it from it.” In a release from Walmart, services offered will be limited to vaginal penetration only and available to male patrons over the age of 18. The women providing the service will be drawn from the employee pool and be responsible for their own healthcare. The women will be paid the going employee wage.
When asked about the needs of homosexuals and women, a Walmart spokesperson had this to say, “We`re a company with stong moral values and will not encourage this manner of depravity in our stores. We don`t deal in pornography and perversion, sex is not supposed to be enjoyable for women, it`s just a function and we believe homosexuality to be sinful. Therefore we cater only to men and only offer sex as the Good Lord intended.”
Walmart has garnered support from Christian groups and is weathering the storm of protest.
ed note: this is a satirical piece, created solely in the recesses of my deranged mind.
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