i read an interesting post over the weekend and while it saddened me, i understand. i don`t empathise, but i understand.
i haven`t actually had anyone say anything to me because vic and i are in an interracial relationship. actually i take that back, someone in Trinidad yelled about something stupid while we were there.
i am a Caribbean black man married to a white southern woman. that statement alone is a set up for all manner of assumptions and all of them are wrong. i didn`t marry vic so i could move here and vic doesn`t have some Mandingo fantasy that she needs to have fulfilled or at least if she does i may not be equipped to fulfil it.
my ideal candidate for a mate, partner, significant other, spouse has never been determined by racial qualities. they had to be funny, smart, talented, strong, have nice legs and be themselves, with that criteria i had a world of possibilities. to automatically discount potential dates, mates, life partners on the basis of ethnic background is stupid. i think one of the fundamentals of a good relationship is the likelihood of continuing a friendship after a break up, ie you should be friends first. do you choose your friends based on their ethnic or racial background?
you`re always going to be `too something or not quite enough, for someone`; too black, too tall, too short, too thin, too loud, too quiet, too smart, too stupid, to wanton, to demure. be yourself and find someone who likes, loves, lusts after you for who you are. not who they want you to be or who you have to pretend to be. i`ve also found you need to be happy with yourself, with who you are before you can even think about finding that someone else to be happy with.
i also think there is an inherent problem regardless of race with relationships today and most of it has to do with unrealistic expectations. there is no happily ever after; things do not automatically fall into place. relationships; all of them; require work. it`s about compromise and communication. there is no perfect relationship, couples disagree, they fight, they don`t see eye to eye, they have mood swings, bad days at work, at school, wherever. you can`t compare your relationship to anyone else`s because they are not the same. there may be similarities but no relationship is exactly like yours. they evolve, they develop, they change, there are good days, they are fantastic days and there are shitty and horrendous days, it`s all part of the package, you deal with it as it comes, together.
a couple sundays ago was my seventh wedding anniversary. i know there are people out there that have been married longer, but this has been my longest adult relationship. i remember posting the day before i moved here about not expecting a fairy tale. and i was right. i think too many people get into relationships expecting the happily ever after. they work on the courting and wooing but don’t continue after the relationship is established. this where the trip up is. like everything else that’s successful it requires work and realistic expectations.
i think one of those expectations is compromise. even though the concept of open discourse seems to be lost in the wider populace, i think if we start at home, maybe it will find its way back. i’m not saying don’t disagree; the occasional arguments are healthy, especially the making up part; but don’t just walk away from it either and it’s not the end of the world if you argue or disagree. if the relationship is over after an argument, there were more fundamental problems.
we are not perfect, we all have our flaws, there is always going to be that thing your partner does that just infuriates you, but it works both ways too but there is that twinkle or that one thing about them that makes you fall in love again every single day. it’s not about overlooking fatal flaws and sticking it out no matter what but finding that compromise.
there seems to be a common misconception that being alone is a bad thing. i`m not saying that you don`t need to interact with people but this marketing ideal that unless you have a life partner or in a committed relationship you`re less of a person. being single is not a crime and if more people would take the time to enjoy being on their own there would be a lot less heartbreak.
we are so conditioned to seek out a relationship, we seemed to have lost the ability to enjoy and appreciate being on our own. i was a serial monogamist; for close to a decade i went from one long term relationship straight into another. all those relationships were fine but at no point did i stop to deal with the shit i was carrying from one to another.
it took a while but i realised that you don`t need a relationship to make you happy actually, to the contrary, if you`re not happy with yourself then all your relationships are doomed to failure from day one. we`ve gotten so caught up in trying to find someone one who makes us happy that we seemed to have forgotten that we need to be responsible for our own happiness too.
we need to learn to enjoy our own company; be comfortable in our own skin as it were; be content with and by ourselves and then we can truly appreciate the happiness being with someone else brings.
and for anyone wondering, vic and i are not having problems, it`s just a thought that has been occurring to me based on conversations i`ve been having.
i just got back from dinner. i had to roll myself out the door. the food was great, the dessert was greater. mmmmmm, chocolate. ideally i would be having massive amounts of sex to work this off, but since life is not perfect, i’m sitting here typing. gladly, i don’t have work in the morning. i’m sleep as i sit here, but i’m far too full to crawl into bed.
it’s fun going out with k, we have similar taste in women and it’s fun to look. i’m really disheartened that her relationship didn’t work out. they were one of the nicest couples i knew. anyway k and i heading back to see the matrix tomorrow and hopefully afterwards we can get some ink. we can never seem to get her inked when she wants to, the timing is usally off. tomorrow seems like a good day for it.
on a completely different topic, here is a link to some that compares some of modern full figured models to art of the past. i’ll post more on this tomorrow, i have a lot to say in praise of women that are not size 0, but my brain isn’t functioning the way it should at the moment.
i hate being broke. not just regular broke, ketch ass broke, down to my last dollar. sigh.
coupled with this my hormones are in a frenzy… i work in an office filled with women… today was mini skirts, tight pants and low tops day. wonderful eye candy but… it’s really not doing much for me… and for those of you that don’t not me too well, i’m not gay. i’m not entirely straight either but it’s not like it’s any of your fucking business either way.
moving on, i’ve been avoiding talking about the war, just in case the government is spying on me, but fuck… i have to get this off my chest
us gov and multinational corporations will be responsible for rebuilding iraq?
that’s like giving enron execs you bank account number and telling them to leave the money alone. like that is ever going to fucking happen.
relationships… not that i’m an expert, but i think you can’t plan out a relationship, part of what makes it work is spontaneity and the surprises along the way. you find someone that makes you happy. trying to define what you’re looking for in your partner, down to their bank balance and what they wear, is not necessarily a good thing. but that’s just my opinion.
thank you and good night.
