i don’t identify

February 16, 2009 — 1 Comment

i read an interesting post over the weekend and while it saddened me, i understand. i don`t empathise, but i understand.

i haven`t actually had anyone say anything to me because vic and i are in an interracial relationship. actually i take that back, someone in Trinidad yelled about something stupid while we were there.

i am a Caribbean black man married to a white southern woman. that statement alone is a set up for all manner of assumptions and all of them are wrong. i didn`t marry vic so i could move here and vic doesn`t have some Mandingo fantasy that she needs to have fulfilled or at least if she does i may not be equipped to fulfil it.

my ideal candidate for a mate, partner, significant other, spouse has never been determined by racial qualities. they had to be funny, smart, talented, strong, have nice legs and be themselves, with that criteria i had a world of possibilities. to automatically discount potential dates, mates, life partners on the basis of ethnic background is stupid. i think one of the fundamentals of a good relationship is the likelihood of continuing a friendship after a break up, ie you should be friends first. do you choose your friends based on their ethnic or racial background?

you`re always going to be `too something or not quite enough, for someone`; too black, too tall, too short, too thin, too loud, too quiet, too smart, too stupid, to wanton, to demure. be yourself and find someone who likes, loves, lusts after you for who you are. not who they want you to be or who you have to pretend to be. i`ve also found you need to be happy with yourself, with who you are before you can even think about finding that someone else to be happy with.

i also think there is an inherent problem regardless of race with relationships today and most of it has to do with unrealistic expectations. there is no happily ever after; things do not automatically fall into place. relationships; all of them; require work. it`s about compromise and communication. there is no perfect relationship, couples disagree, they fight, they don`t see eye to eye, they have mood swings, bad days at work, at school, wherever. you can`t compare your relationship to anyone else`s because they are not the same. there may be similarities but no relationship is exactly like yours. they evolve, they develop, they change, there are good days, they are fantastic days and there are shitty and horrendous days, it`s all part of the package, you deal with it as it comes, together.

One response to i don’t identify

  1. Do you get waitresses asking you if you want separate checks? Kim and I get that a lot, and it’s annoying me increasingly with every occurrence. Do we not seem like a couple?

    After we get married in April I suspect its really going to bug the shit out of me.

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