Archives For george carlin

I don’t like words that hide the truth. I don’t words that conceal reality. I don’t like euphemisms, or euphemistic language.

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music to make love to

June 26, 2008 — 1 Comment

carlin is dead and it saddens me. he was one of my favorite comics and while i think ‘seven words…’ was groundbreaking, there are bits i love more. i think my love of carlin’s work comes from his ability with words. he was brilliant and will be missed.

while vic and i were dating, we spent the night at a friend’s house and i’d brought the freshly minted, at that time, complaints and grievances cd. we had been listening to it in the car and brought it to finish listening to before we went to sleep. all i have to add to this story is that laughing hysterically doesn’t hurt when you’re getting frisky. i honestly think if you can’t laugh during sex, then what’s the point.


February 3, 2005 — Leave a comment

i`m swamped at work so i`m resposting this George Carlin piece that i listened to over the weekend.

Rockets and Penises in the Persian Gulf

I`d like to talk a little about that `war` we had in the Persian Gulf. Remember that? The big war in the Persian Gulf? Lemme tell you what was goin` on.

Naturally, you can forget all that entertaining fiction about having to defend the model democracy those lucky Kuwaitis get to live under. And for the moment you can also put aside the very real, periodic need Americans have for testing their new weapons on human flesh. And also, just for the fun of it, let`s ignore George Bush Sr.`s obligation to protect the oil interests of his family and friends. There was another, much more important, consideration at work. Here`s what really happened.

Dropping a Load for Uncle Sam.

The simple fact is that America was long overdue to drop high explosives on helpless civilians; people who have no argument with us whatsoever. After all, it had been awhile, and the hunger gnaws. Remember that`s our specialty: picking on countries that have marginally effective air forces.

But all that aside, let me tell you what I liked about that Gulf War: it was the first war that appeared on every television channel, including cable.

And even though the TV show consisted largely of Pentagon war criminals displaying maps and charts, it got very good ratings. And that makes sense, because we like war. We`re a warlike people. We can`t stand not to be fucking with someone. We couldn`t wait for the Cold War to end so we could climb into the big Arab sandbox and play with our nice new toys. We enjoy war.

And one reason we enjoy it is that we`re good at it. You know why we`re good at it? Because we get alot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we`ve had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years, So we`re good at it!

And it`s just as well we are, because we`re not very good at anything else. Can`t build a decent car anymore. Can`t make a TV set, a cell phone, or a VCR. Got no steel industry left. No textiles. Can`t educate our young people. Can`t get health care to our old people. But we can bomb the shit outta your country, all right. We can bomb the shit outta your country!

If You`re Brown, You`re Goin Down

Especially if your country is full of brown people. Oh, we like that, don`t we? That`s our hobby now. But it`s also our new job in the world: bombing brown people. Iraq, Panama, Grenada, Libya. You got some brown people in your country? Tell `em to watch the fuck out, or we`ll goddamn bomb them!

Well, who were the last white people you can remember that we bombed? In fact, can you remember any white people we ever bombed? The Germans! That`s it! Those are the only ones. And that was only because they were tryin` to cut in on our action. They wanted to dominate the world.

Bullshit! That`s our job. That`s our fuckin` job.

But the Germans are ancient history. These days, we only bomb brown people. And not because they`re cutting in our action; we do it because they`re brown. Even those Serbs we bombed in Yugoslavia aren`t really white, are they? Naaah! They`re sort of down near the swarthy end of the white spectrum. Just brown enough to bomb. I`m still waiting for the day we bomb the English. People who really deserve it.

A Disobediant American

Now you folks might`ve noticed, I don`t feel about that Gulf War the way we were instructed to feel about it by the United States government. My mind doesn`t work that way. You see, I`ve got this real moron thing I do, it`s called `Thinking` And I guess I`m not a very good American, because I like to form my own opinions; I don`t just roll over when I`m told. Most Americans roll over on command. Not me, There are certain rules I observe.

Believe You Me

My first rule: Never believe anyone in authority says. None of them. Government, Police, clergy, the corporate criminals. None of them. And neither do I believe anything I`m told by the media, who, in the case of the Gulf War, functioned as little more than unpaid employees of the Defense Department, and who, most of the time, operate as unofficial public relations agency for the government and industry.

I don`t believe in any of them. And I have to tell you, folks, I don`t really believe very much in my country either. I don`t get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.

Show us your Dick

I also look at war itself a little differently from most. I see it largely as an exercise in dick-waving. That`s really all it is: alot of men standing around in a field waving their dicks at one another. Men, insecure abuot the size of their penises, choose to kill one another.

That`s also what all that moron athlete bullshit is all about, and what that macho, male posturing and strutting around in bars and locker rooms represents. It`s called `dick fear.` Men are terrified that their dicks are inadequate, and so they have to `compete` in order to feel better about themselves. And since war is the ultimate competition, essentially men are killing one another in order to improve their genital self-esteem.

You needn`t be a historian or a political scientist to see the Bigger Dick Foreign Policy Theory at work. It goes like this: `What? They have bigger dicks? Bomb them!` And of course, the bombs, the rockets, and the bullets are all shaped like penises. Phallic weapons. There`s an unconscious need to project the national penis into the affairs of others. It`s called `fucking with people`

Show us your Bush

So as far as I`m concerned, that whole thing in the Persian Gulf was nothing more than one big dic-waving cockfight.

In this particular case, Saddam Hussein questioned the size of George Bush`s dick. And George Bush had been called a wimp for so long, he apparently felt the need to act out his manhood fantasies by sending America`s white children to kill other people`s brown children.

Clearly the worst kind of wimp.

Even his name, `Bush`, as slang, is related to the genitals without being the genitals.

A bush is sort of a passive, secondary sex characteristic. It`s even used as a slang term for women: `Hey, pal, how`s the bush in this area?`

I can`t help thinking, if this president`s name had been George Boner…well, he might have felt a little better about himself, and he wouldn`t have had to kill all those children. Too bad he couldn`t locate his manhood.

Premature Extraction

Actually, when you think about it, this country has had a manhood problem for some time. You can tell the language we use; language always gives us away. What did we do wrong in Vietnam? We `pulled out`! Not a very manly thing to do. No. When you`re fucking people, you`re supposed to stay with it and fuck them good; fuck them to death; hang in there and keep fucking them until they`re all fucking dead.

But in Vietnam what happened was by accident we left a few women and children alive, and we haven`t felt good about ourselves since.

That`s why in the Persian Gulf, George Bush had to say, `This will not be another Vietnam.` He actually said, `this time we`re going all the way.`

Imagine. An American president using the sexual slang of a thirteen-year-old to describe his foreign policy.

And, of course, when it got right down to it, he didn`t `go all the way.` Faced with going into Baghdad he punked out. No balls. Just Bush.

Instead, he applied sanctions, so he`d be sure that an extra half a million brown children would die. And so his oil buddies could continue to fill their pockets.

If you want to know what happened in the Persian Gulf, just remember the first names of the two men who ran that war: Dick Cheney and Colin Powell.

Dick and Colon.

Someone got fucked in the ass.

And those brown people better make sure they keep their pants on, because Dick and Colin have come back for an encore.

rearing to go

May 27, 2003 — Leave a comment

i should be curled up in my bed ready to sleep, but due to some personality/biological quirk, i am bright eyed and bushy tailed but when i do crash it’s going to be hard. the fucking annual report is finally out of my hair, even though i had to give up my afternoon for it. so much my big laundry plans, i’m eyeing the pile of dirty clothes for the least dirty to wear. 

i’m getting a lot of attitude from the woman that hired me to do the job and i’m really regretting taking the job, if she tries to fuck me on this i’m going to be really upset. on to more pleasant thought, there is a picture of me at the media awards in my gallery, i’m on the very end in the red shirt and sarong (not that you can tell in the picture), next to me is karen, my accomplice. if you want to know who else is in the picture email me. 

speaking of sarongs vic wore hers for the first time today, the thought of which still has my heart racing, it was the only thing that prevented from going postal this afternoon. thank you vic. 

now that all the paying shit i have to do is out of my hair, i can cruise all my boards and the usual haunts and bring to you my loyal readers, links of interest and as it’s tuesday let’s start out with dan the man: 

savage love from the village voice (this week is extra special – trust me) 

nerve’s bad erotic fiction winners 

at last a smoking gun in iraq 

meanwhile in a non-oil rich portion of the world 

in lighter news 

other people’s stories 

finally proof that metafilter is evil (insert sinster laugh here) 

cake or death – a link to one of the funniest comedians on the planet 

and while we’re here my other fave comedian – george carlin 

there are more links but i’m tired of copying and pasting, so go here and expand you horizons. 

the weariness is beginning to settle in, that compounded by the fact it’s hot as all fuck, it slowly driving me to bed. couple with which journalspace is being wonky, i can go to certain blogs but not others. i really should get a life.