i`ve got a dull ache at the base of my neck and across my shoulders and i know exactly what is causing it. i`m stressed out.
for someone that purportedly stays home all day and does nothing, why should i be stressed?
well i`m worried that the people in jamaica will think that giving me this job is too much trouble and rescind their offer. [yes i have insecurities, never said i didn`t.] i`m supposed to be leaving this weekend but i haven`t heard anything. primarily because they can`t find an apartment for me. i just worry that they`re going to decide that i`m not worth all this stress and say fuck it.
coupled with which i have two clients that have royally fucked me over. i am destitute and they`re not returning my emails. i`m now beholden to my mother and that does not fill me with great joy. it`s the first week of a new month and i haven`t been able to meet any of my commitments. that does not fill me with joy.
all of this coupled with my regular woes makes me a very unhappy camper.
i`m constantly tired but i haven`t been sleeping well.
i feel like sisyphus.yes i have faith that it`s all for a purpose and i`ll never get more than i can bear but there are some days it feels like i`m being fucked over royally by the universe.
and you know what? i`m sure i`m going to pay for that crack but what else is new?
for a long time i`m bitched about theatre in this country, it`s mostly been a series of bedroom farce, adapted for local audiences, the same production companies, you know the drill.
theatre month came and went with a variety of productions, but still i didn`t take me head out of my ass long enough to participate. yet still i continue to sneer every time i see ads for certain production companies.
today i got a chance do something. a friend, who`s production company has been around 10 years, for whom i`d done some design work in the past, came and asked me to help them put together the multimedia portion of the production. this is a completely local production. home fucking grown. written, directed, produced.
and on top of everything else is the subject matter. all my bitching and whinging about the state of the arts in trinidad, how your lot as an artist is to suffer. it`s all fucking there. it`s like she read my mind. or she`s been at it a lot longer than i have.
so i`m now handling the multimedia in the show for as long as i`m here. i don`t mind, i`m doing something and it feels good.
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theatre, multimedia
today is vic`s birthday. this is hopefully the last one we`re spending apart.
i`m a big fan of birthdays and i hate the fact that i can`t do all the things i want to do. i want to wake you, feed you breakfast and take you back to bed.
i love you darling. happy, happy, happy birthday. have a wonderful day. i`ll see you soon.
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wyf
i saw freedom week and it was not good.
i didn`t come here to make friends [i did make a few and i`m glad i did], i didn`t come here for the attention [well maybe i did, but it`s never been my mitigating factor]. i write what i feel like, when i feel like. i`m glad that there are people who enjoy what i write. if nobody came, i would still write. this has always been an exercise in catharsis for me.
from my very first entry:
in truly onanistic fashion, i`ve decided to start a blog…
this will be my forum for the truly vitriolic, sometimes manic depressive or generally lascivious thoughts that pop unbidden in to my mind. i hope those of you that visit find it appealing, instructive and/or entertaining and if not, tough titty. it`s my mind.
one more thing, if i`ll be dooing this properly, this spelling on this thing is going to be attrocious, i`m going to be typing as the thoughts come to me but again, if you don`t like it…
fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
that said, other people write in their journals for their own reasons and more power to them, if you don`t like what you see, then don`t go back, it`s really that simple.
i was never particularly popular at any point in my life, so i always tend to take it with more salt than is healthy. i think it`s the concept of having to rely on someone else to assert your social status that bothers me most.
when i was about 11 my mother accused me of being antisocial. i don`t think she`s wrong. surprisingly people seem drawn to me [something about my speaking candidly]. i can`t explain it. i have a large circle of acquaintances and quite a few close friends [mostly people that are tolerant of my idiosyncrasies]. i`m gratefully to them for putting up with me. but honestly i don`t rely on anyone to make me feel good,
well, vic and my children but they love me.
the other thing about being the loner/nerd/fat child/insert description here for most of my life makes me unable to participate in the alpha male ideal – the pissing contest. i`m good at what i do. i have no desire to belittle anyone else in proof of my skills. that pretty much sums up my attitude.
this is starting to read like my own cry for attention, so i`ll stop now. there`s a point here somewhere and it`s not made in anger or in envy, i`m just expressing my opinion of what`s going on here. i like it here and pretty much short of personal attacks [and even then i`ve dealt with enough of those in this lifetime to be pretty thick skinned] there is very little that`s going to stop me from expressing myself here.
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popularity, contests
the run around has started. thus far this morning, i`ve gotten my passport pictures, got them notarised, i still need to go pick up a form from the jamaican high commission, fill it out and fedex it off.
vic`s mom is having open heart surgery today and i haven`t been able to talk to her for the day yet. [send them both your prayers and good wishes]
i don`t mind having errands to run, but the rain is pouring. it`s not so bad when you can just jump into your car and go but when you have to travel and walk to and fro the taxis, it gets kind inconvenient.
other fun things this week include tracking down all the money owed to me, getting a bag to pack my books and packing. the high point should be what little laundry i`ve accumalated.
Technorati Tags:
immigration, travel
the only disappointing thing about today is that i`m not going to be able to peel vic out of the costume she`s wearing tonight and have my treat later.
halloween is vic`s favourite holiday. and this one just joins all the other milestones we`ve missed thus far. hopefully it will be our last.
vic birthday is next tuesday and i`m working on her very spectacular birthday present. although getting this job is a great present, it`s not what i had in mind. 🙂
i hope you all have fun tonight, adults and your children, whatever your treats are.
that`s my tentative start date. i should get photos of potential apartments and all the forms i need to fill out within the coming week.
the upcoming week is going to be entertaining to say the least, for someone with no stuff i have a shitload of no stuff.
i have a boxful of books that i need to figure out how to take with me, i have clothes which seemed to have multiplied in the two years plus the winter jacket and sweaters.
there is a mention of a relocation allowance, i foresee most of that disappearing in overweight charges.
how does one accumulate so much shit? this morning i started trying to cull and i`ve realised that my wardrobe is already at a bare minimum. well 6 weeks worth of clothing, most of it of the tshirt and denim variety.
other than that there are the books, whither i go, they goest also. i`m thinking two bags should cover it, the bag that i use for laundry and borrow another knapsack to put the books and the winter togs.
i think i`m more excited now that i have definitive start date. i should stop now, i`m just blathering now. i need to calm down.
Technorati Tags:
travelling, packing
to one and all, particularly to the wicca and pagans celebrating.
thank you all for the good wishes. this job is probably the best all hallows present i could get.
i`m really thrilled about this job. and i`m thrilled about moving to jamaica. it`s not with vic but she`s closer.
there are flights everyday from atlanta. 3 hours non-stop. midweek flights are less than $300 return [which i can now afford].
i`m going to be productive this morning and look for apartments online, and yes, if you`re in jamaica or planning to come to jamaica, you can come stay with me.
I
GOT
THE
JOB!
WHOO HOO!
all my stressing, all my worrying. i got the job.
thank you for all your prayers and good wishes and support. thank you all.
i`m a big fan of doubles.
and this week in my poverty ridden state, they have been my saviour, for less than TT$10 [the exchange rate is $6.2 to the US$, you do the math] each day i can eat enough to keep me sustained throughout the day.
i have a regular doubles man, always a good thing, you know how hot the pepper is, what the right balance of chutney is and if you`re really hard up you can drop the cash for him another day.
i`ve been eating doubles from this guy for almost a decade. i first had his doubles at my first advertising job, he had his stand right up the road from the office, eventually he moved and i lost track of him for a little while and about two years ago i came across him in st. james. he`s there 6 days a week, he doesn`t work mondays, and most days he`s completely sold out by 11am.
the key to a good doubles for me is a light barra, a subtle combination of pepper, mango/coconut/cucumber chutney and a touch of shadon beni and fairly firm channa.
unlike a lover, i`m not necessarily faithful to one doubles man, i have a couple that i visit and i`ve been know to stray to any available doubles man when hunger strikes.
curepe is the home of late night doubles. too early to be breakfast, too late to be anything else, curepe is a must stop for the post party doubles craving, even if it entails driving completely the opposite direction from where you live.
such is the siren song of a good doubles.
Technorati Tags:
doubles, trinidad, cuisine, breakfast food
