Archives For love, lust, longing

i’m trying to focus on some work that’s been hanging about for a while. it’s getting done but not as quickly as i’d like so i’m going for a drink with karen. i figure i can go have a drink talk with her for a while and trying and work out what’s going on with me and help cheer her up as well. and i can come back home and work late. i’m going into work late in the morning anyway. i’m going to get my hair neatened, make another attempt at paying the tax on vic’s ticket.

it’s still monday so here are a couple of items that i got from the memes list [it’s linked in ‘the great beyond’ so this is the last time]:

monday memories

Who was your first “best friend”? Do you still keep in touch with them now?
kevin, no.

monday mosh
Mondays being Mondays, the premise of the Monday Mosh is designed to be simple, energizing, and quick.   Basically, each Monday, participants turn on whatever music they’re in the mood for and dance around their living room/office/bedroom/sauna/whatever. Participants then answer three short questions about their experience. Then they post the answers to the questions in their own blog, and then leave a comment here, in THIS blog, so others can go see what they moshed to this week (this is the part that’s like all those other memes).  

What song did you mosh to?
call of ktulu – metallica s&m

What did you step on or bump into?  (bonus points for breakage)
de nada

Why did you stop?
neck strain. that’s a lot of hair to be throwing around.

whoops, karen is here. more later. bye.

i just lost this cry of anguish i’d written about missing vic and the fustration of know how much longer i have to wait and lost it. i was adding a post script welcoming the newest addition to the trini [even if she displace in h’inglan] contingent here at js – rentaempress and hit the wrong combination of keys. whatever.

the crux of the lost post is that i don’t want to wait anymore, i want her to be here now. i’m tired of waiting. i tired of being patient and pleasant to fucking nimord. i’m tired of the stupid question. i’m tired of people thinking that i like this situation. i’m sitting in a job, marking time, separated from my wife, trying to keep my sanity in check on a daily basis. vic is my talisman and i need a renewal of faith.

i’m going to pay the taxes on vic’s ticket, have lunch and return these dvd. maybe i’ll be able to focus and function after lunch.

Technorati Tags:
,

school is closed and my boss isn’t in, which means i slept that extra 30 minutes. i should get going, but i’m enjoying being out of clothes for as long as possible. is it possible to be this aroused and still have brain function?

i feel like i’m going to explode, every fibre, every nerve ending is screaming want and desire. in some wicked way my body is reminding me what i’m missing, i keep getting these hints of the smell and taste of vic. it has to be my mind, but it’s just cranking me up more and more. i want to feel her skin next to mine, i want to be lost in kissing her, i want to be worshipping at her altar… kissing… nibbling… sucking…

i’m going to go now

not quite bright eyed and bushy tailed but awake, just managed to catch the beginning of the race.

the dreams are back and oh my… just thinking about it… i’m getting shivers. i’m trying to keep myself under control. i want share these dreams but i think they’ll lose some of their poignance. dammit i want vic here now.

two weeks from now we’ll be getting ready for the family soiree, vic gets to meet the girls and my mother and grandmother.

there is show much i want to show vic, but i’m torn, we have so little time together, can i bear to share her companionship with anyone else? i want to be selfish, keep her to myself, wrap her up in my arms and never let her go. 12 days left.

i just found this gem on girlunderway’s journal, which is the saturday slant from the link listed as quizzes & memes in the entertainments section in that column on the right:

What is your most common fantasy?

While sitting in traffic or waiting on-queue somewhere, where does your mind drift? Is it to a moonlit tropical beach, a dream man (or woman) in your arms? Perhaps you wander to a memory of coming in from a long day of snowball fights, sledding, and making snow angels to be greeted by Mom’s hot chocolate. Do you fantasize about how you would spend a fortune? We all day dream; we all have one or two day dreams that occupy our minds more often than others. What is your most common fantasy?

i’m not sure i’m quite ready to answer this yet, they all revolve around the dreams, so i’m going to leave it here for a little bit, maybe later…

in the mean time here’s a sunday what if (this one that’s up now is too depressing, so here’s the one from june 8 (that’s the next one in the list):

if you could have witnessed one event in history, what would you want to have seen?

guttenberg’s first print run.

f1 just finished, it’s ralph, JMP and michael, in that order. with michael leading the driver’s championships by eight points. and ferrari the constructors by three points. the rest of this season is going be very interesting.

back to bed, see if the dreams continue. i’ll be back later.

vic will be in my arms. we may not be in private, but she’ll be in my arms and it’s the little things that count. i miss her. i miss sharing the simple stuff. curling up together, watching tv. tonight i would love to watching fireworks over vic’s shoulder.

sigh. just sitting here and watching the seconds tick away.

i should go out or something. maybe later.

Technorati Tags:

so the hair lady is sick, so i have to endure the ‘fro-ras til next tuesday. and i’m lounging in my new chair in the office, with fuck all to do. so you know i’ll be blogging all day.
it’s kind of hard (no pun intended) being aroused without an outlet all the time. most times the slightest memory will provoke a reaction, gratefully, i can slide my chair under my desk and most of shirts/tshirts and fairly big and can hide any protrusions.

the other thing that’s going to happen today is there’s going to be a lot of quizzes and questionnaires so let’s get started with this gem, that’s two days late, that i got from girlunderway who in turn got it from this-or-that:

1. Lemonade or Ice Cold Beer?
hmmm, decisions, decisions. ice cold beer 

2. Swimming pool or beach?  
beach. late afternoon, especially

3. Long weekends here & there, or a 2-week vacation?
long weekends, they are going to become invaluable to vic and i

4. Destination: Acapulco or Hawaii?
hawaii

5. Destination: Mountains or Beach?
beach. love the beach

6. Hotel/motel/B&B or camping?
b&b, but hotel for the kind of privacy we need.

7. Carefully planned vacation, or play it by ear?
plan the getting there, but everything else is on the hoof.

8. Sneakers or sandals?
sandals, or better yet, barefoot. if i could i would be barefoot all the time

9. Air-conditioning or fans?
fans are more interesting.

10. Concerts in the park or baseball games?
concerts. live music is great.

well i’ll be back in a bit, going to follow some links and do some reading. caio

the are 15 days til vicotria gets here. two weeks and a day. as of 7am today, 372.5 hours til she touches down in trinidad. i’m excited, can you tell. my thoughts are filled with her. waking and sleeping. i’m ditching work to get my hair neatened. yes, having dreads is not just about letting your hair knot up, it requires some degree of maintenance. i’ve been trying to get to do this for a while and i either haven’t had the time or the money, or a combination of the two. it’s going to take about 4 hours to get done, so i’m not going to get into work before midday, although there is not much for me to do anyway.
time for me to get going, i’ve got no cash and i’m bumming a ride into pos, least i could do is be ready.

Technorati Tags:

can i manage?

July 2, 2003 — Leave a comment

there are 16 more days til vic gets here. the dreams are getting more and more intense, i’m sitting here almost basking in the afterglow. cold showers don’t help, i like water. water of any temperature makes my whole body feels… electric… i’d rather stay home and cavort naked but today is the last day my boss is going to be in the office for the week. she’s off on another junket with a client til next wednesday. and i’m in charge, so it’s a day of hand over notes and organisation for stuff in her abscence. tentatively i want to get my hair neated today, there’s something soothing about someone’s hands in your hair.

mine and all the other virgos, breszney for this week:
A fundamentalist is anyone who thinks his belief system trumps all others. Religious fanatics are the most obvious example, but scientists can be fundamentalists. So can socialists or capitalists, environmentalists or atheists. Every fundamentalist divides the world into two camps, those who agree with him and those who don’t. To him, there is one right way and a million wrong ways to interpret reality. Now here’s the uncomfortable news: Every one of us has the fundamentalist virus. It may not be as virulent in you and me as it is in the bad guys we love to hate. But we’re all infected. Luckily, Virgo, you’re in an astrological phase when you can achieve a partial cure. To begin, take everything less seriously and less personally and less literally.

and scorpio:
You’re like an arrow in flight, Scorpio. You’re a half-cooked feast, the fifth month of pregnancy, the week before a big election. When I turned my psychic vision towards you just now, I saw an image of a worker bee freshly returned to the hive to perform the dance that will tell its companions where to find a patch of blooming snapdragons. Have you ever mastered a second language? Where you are at this moment resembles the time right before you attain fluency.

not sure what it all means.

mefi is back up, so here’s all the news (that i find) fit to blog:

the database of unknown movies

rocklist – a collection of  end of year music polls from a variety of sources (quite interesting to say the least)

and this wonderful tidbit that is definitely not going to make mainstream news in the US, not even the alternative news sources seem to be touching it.

us uses aid threat to block icc (i’m including the first couple of paragraphs for those of you who wont click):

The US yesterday threatened to stop aid to countries which refuse to exempt American soldiers from prosecution by the new international criminal court (ICC).

The threat includes close allies such as Colombia, where a US delegation is trying to cajole President Alvaro Uribe to issue a waiver.  

Colombia, which signed the the 1998 Rome Treaty establishing the ICC, could lose nearly $1bn (£600m) a year for its battle against guerrillas and drug warlords. It is the third biggest recipient of US military aid, after Israel and Egypt. Similar threats have been issued to eastern European countries.  

Under a US law passed last year, military aid will be cut off from any state which failed to exempt American soldiers from ICC prosecution by yesterday. The White House opposes the new UN institution because it could try US personnel.

i’ll leave you to mull on that for a while, i need to get ready and get to work, particularly if i want to leave early today.

Technorati Tags:

rabbit, rabbit

July 1, 2003 — Leave a comment

there is no logical reason for me to be up at this hour. and it’s true, the reason i’m at this hour is purely hormonal. i had the most spectacular, most realistic dream, i’m not sure, but i may have moaned out loud. i sitting here typing every nerve ending tingling, my skin longing to be touched, disappointed to present myself and vic wasn’t there. that’s what woke me, the sensation of being alone in bed.

there are 17 days til vic gets here and the dreams seem to be getting more and more intense. it’s going to be interesting to see what result is going to be, i instituted a personal no touching policy today. i’m curious to see if that is at all possible and i need to whip out all the clothes that keep me hidden. although with this latest weight gain, i’m not sure i’ll have anything left to fit me. i happen on a scale yesterday and realised i’d exceeded my comfort zone in terms of weight, i need to find a healthy, comfortable way to drop back within the range. i have to say this last weight gain has snuck up on me and i’m not happy about it, actually scared shitless would be more accurate. i used to be the short fat child growing up, now pretty soon my height is not going to be able to hide the fact that i’ve turned into el tubbo.

i should get off my lazy ass and do something, but i’d join the gym, go for a week and then never go back. random walking is unappealing to me. not really big on team sports and the one i’m willing to play, can’t find a team to join.

going to have a shower and head off to work.

…and counting

June 30, 2003 — Leave a comment

there are 18 days til vic gets here.

if the dreams get any more intense i’m going to spontaneously combust. today is the halfway point, since we’ve gotten all the tickets and this trip has become our talisman, our holy grail. there is a small voice in the back of my head trying to tell me calm down, there are a million things that could go wrong between, now and then. i know it’s the voice of reason, but i don’t want to conceive spending another month apart from vic.

even as we gear up for this trip, i’m looking at long weekends later in the year, where we can get away to see each other. my mind is a jumble right now, my heart is racing, i have this whimsical smile on my face, so many thoughts are racing through my head right now. i’ll come back this, i can’t concentrate, put what i’m thinking into words, maybe it’s not so much my brain, as my heart. i’m happy and i’m in love.

after all that joy, i have a couple pieces of distressing news.

first, one of the grand dames of film, kathrine hepburn, died,

secondly, a us constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage?

and finally, why is it people (it’s not just americans) feel that someone else is responsible for their children (it’s a two part article) and their behaviour (thanks laura), this kind of thing always distresses me to read. it’s always some external factor, no one wants to admit, they’ve not done the best they can for their children. this is a whole other post, i’m going to stop here.

HAPPY PRIDE WEEK!

tonight in trinidad:

Movie Night featuring Phillip Pike’s “Songs of Freedom” a film documenting the GLBT Community of Jamaica, with an original score composed by Toronto musician Quammie. Hosted by DENI.

Time: 07.00 pm till | ADMISSION: FREE | All events are held at Bohemia

i’m off to work, i’ll be back later.

Technorati Tags:
, , ,