it’s been one month

today is official one month since i`ve been here in jamaica. and i have no complaints, i like my job, i enjoy getting up in the morning and coming to work, i attend far more meetings than i enjoy, but my contributions are accepted and appreciated. i have three major projects on my desk and i`m thrilled to be able to do them. the first of them is being shown to the client on tuesday.

i`ve grown accustomed to my tiny little apartment. i enjoy cooking and taking lunch to work. i`m pretty settled, i know my way around, i can get where i`m going, i know where my job and apartment are in the greater scheme of things.

i`m happy, well happy might be a stretch. i`m content. but there is an overwhelming feeling of isolation, particularly on weekends. weekdays, i have to go to work so i don`t spend the days staring at the four walls. weekends i find myself with too much time on my hands and too many unhappy thoughts.

it`s not being here that has me unhappy, i was unhappy way before got here, it`s the sense of isolation that`s killing me now. i have one friend from the office, but she had a life before i got here and who am i to impose and i have another friend who tries to make sure i don`t lose my mind by getting me out of the house every weekend. and i`m truly grateful but he also has his own stuff going on.

what it boils down to, is i miss vic and being on my own only makes it more acute. i hate whining about this, but there is only so much tv i can watch and so many distractions before i come back to the point where i just on the bed and cry.

i got an invitation to go out this afternoon to go out and be social and i turned it down. i should stop whining and go out and be social, but i don`t want to, i don`t want to meet new people and make friends. i want my wife, i want vic, i want to wake up next to her. i want to be able to talk her all night if the mood strikes us. i don`t want to be without her any more.