perfectionist with a god complex
i just got this off metafilter:
The election of Arnold Schwartzenegger to governor of California seems too broad for satire, and it`s now lost to us forever as a throwaway joke in a short story. The Infinite Matrix asked a few SF writers, editors, and physicians for pithy comments, and this is what we got. Some are pithy, some not. more
i was doing some research this morning and came across these tidbits:
Up until 1999 there was no age of consent in Japan; it is now age 13.
Singapore, well known for it`s punitive laws, has made it illegal for homosexuals to even live in the country. Oral sex is illegal unless it`s a form of foreplay, as is pornography. It is even illegal to walk around your house naked because it`s considered a pornographic act!
In Sweden prostitution is legal but it`s illegal for anyone to use the services of a prostitute.
In Thailand it`s illegal to leave your house if you aren`t wearing underwear.
It is illegal to sell, produce or distribute `sexual stimulation devices` in the state of Alabama, USA. Anyone found guilty, faces penalties of up to $10,000, one year in jail or one year`s hard labour.
In the state of Arizona it is illegal to have more than two dildos in the same house.
In Bozeman, Montana it`s illegal to embark on any kind of sexual activity in your back garden, naked, after sundown.
In Newcastle, Wyoming, it`s illegal for couple to have sex whilst standing inside a shop`s walk-in meat freezer!
In the Nogales, Arizona, an ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.
In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because “the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
In Mississippi adultery or unmarried fornication results in a $500 fine and/or 6 months in prison.
In New York an old law means you can be fined $25 for flirting. The aim of this legislation was to prevent men turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” If you are found guilty of this crime a second time the violating male is forced to wear a “pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
In New Mexico state officials banned Romeo and Juliet until 400 words of “sexually explicit material” were removed from the text.
Oral sex is still illegal in many American states including San Francisco, Indiana, Maryland, Minnesota, Tennessee, Missouri and Virginia. In Arkansas oral sex is classed as sodomy, in North Carolina it is legally outlawed as a crime against nature. But you`re worst off in Virginia where it`s classed as a `misdemeanour` punishable by one year in jail and $2,500 fine.
Tennessee`s sex laws are particularly contradictory. Although the law states that it`s illegal to give or receive oral sex, the age of consent is 16, but is lowered to 12 if the girl is a virgin.
In Utah it`s illegal to have sex in a moving ambulance. If caught the woman is fine and named and shamed in the local papers. The man gets off scot-free and remains anonymous
In Cleveland, Ohio, women aren`t allowed to wear patent shoes just in case a passing man sees a reflection that he shouldn`t!
In New York it`s illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing” but it`s legal to walk around topless providing it`s not for business purposes.
In Minnesota, it`s illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish whilst in San Francisco it`s illegal to have sex with a porcupine (??!!). But if bestiality is your cup of tea, and you`re a man, then head over to West Virginia where it`s legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs.
In Alexandria, Minnesota men aren`t allowed to make love to their wife if his breath smells of garlic, onions or sardines. The law states that a man has to brush his teeth if his wife asks him to.
San Franciscans are also prohibited from wiping their car with used underwear – the mind boggles.
In Georgia erotic dancing is prohibited on a Sunday and adult book and video stores may only be open to the public if they have non-absorbent and smooth textured floors. There must be a wealth of activity in Georgia`s adult stores then!
In Walnut, San Francisco men may not dress as a female unless a special permit is obtained from the sheriff and in Florida it`s illegal for a man to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
In Lewes, Delaware it`s illegal to wear pants that are “firm fitting” around the waist.
If both parties voluntary participate in `unnatural intercourse` in Mississippi they are liable to a maximum sentence of 10 years in prison and a $10,000 fine.
In Florida, North Carolina, Montana and Virginia it`s only legal to have sex in the missionary position.
In Virginia, not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, but oral and anal sex is outlawed and it`s illegal to tickle women. In the town of Lebanon in Virginia, you may not kick your wife out of bed and in Norfolk, Virginia, a man can face up to 60 days in jail for patting a woman`s bottom.
In Massachusetts it`s illegal to have sex if the woman is on top.
In Hartford, Connecticut it`s illegal for a man to kiss his wife on a Sunday. In Florida it`s illegal for a man to kiss his wife`s breasts. In Iowa kisses may not last longer than 5 minutes and in Oregon it`s illegal to whisper “dirty” things in your lover`s ear during sex.
In Dyersburg, Tennessee it`s illegal for a woman to call a man for a date and in Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
Couples in Liberty County, New Jersey face a jail term if they accidentally beep the horn whilst frolicking in a parked car, but in Coeur d`Alene in Idaho a police officer has to beep his horn, flash his lights and wait three minutes before approaching a car in which he suspects the occupants are having sex! In Detroit it`s legal to have sex in the car if it`s parked in your own drive way.
In Illinois Champaign in Idaho it`s illegal to urinate in your neighbours mouth.
You are liable to be fined if tissues are found in the back of a car parked in Oklahoma.
It`s illegal to conduct official business as a member of the Nevada Legislature can conduct official business whilst wearing a penis costume if the legislature is in session.
In Sioux Falls, North Carolina all hotels have to have twin beds that are a minimum of two feet apart in every room rented by a couple for one night. It`s illegal for the couple to make love in the gap between the beds.
In Hastings, Nebraska, every hotel have to provide their guests with clean, pressed nightshirts. It`s illegal for a couple to sleep together naked, even if they are married, or have sex unless they are wearing one of the said garments.
Flirting on the streets in Little Rock, Arkansas can result in a 30day jail sentence.
In Schulter, Oklahoma it`s illegal for women to gamble naked, wearing lingerie or a towel and in Helena, Montana, it`s illegal for women to dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she is wearing at least 3lbs and 2 oz of clothing.
Once you are 50 year old it`s legal to marry your cousin the state of Utah.
In Vermont women wishing to wear false teeth must obtain written permission from their husbands first.
In Auburn, Washington, it is illegal for a woman to sit on a man`s lap on a bus or train without placing a pillow between them first. Failure to do this results in an automatic 6 month jail term.
Unmarried couples who live together or `lewdly associate` in West Virginia face up to 1 year in prison.
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odd laws
[a joke i got from my wife, best told in a southern accent]
four junior league ladies are having lunch just after christmas.
the woman at the head of the table and asks the woman on her left:
“what did your husband get you for christmas?”
“my husband took my wedding ring to be cleaned and when it came back it was two carats instead of one”
to which the woman replies:
“how nice!”
she turns to the woman across from her and asks:
“what did your husband get you for christmas?”
“my husband got me a full length mink coat”
to which the woman replies:
“how nice!”
finally she turns to the woman on her right and asks:
“so what did your husband get you for christmas?”
“my husband got us a trip to gay paree and we leave next week”
to which the woman replies:
“how nice!”
the other ladies turn to the woman at the head of the table and ask:
“so what did your husband get you for christmas?”
“my husband sent me to finishing school, so instead of saying `fuck y`all!`, i say `how nice!`”
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CUSTOMER SERVICE
This has got to be one of the funniest I`ve heard of in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for “Termination without Cause.”
This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)
“Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I`m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmmm.
So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It`s a blank; it won`t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What`s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
“There isn`t any cursor: I told you, it won`t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What`s a monitor?”
“It`s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it`s on?”
“I don`t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it`s plugged into the
wall.”
“Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it`s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can`t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it`s not because I don`t have the right angle it`s because it`s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can`t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there`s a power failure.”
“A power…….a power failure?…. Aha, Okay, we`ve got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I`m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you`re too fuckin` stupid to own a computer.”
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