guest post follow-up

on the last day of july there was a guest post by my friend franka, it was not only posted here but emailed out and posted elsewhere, here are her conclusions:

When I sent out the ‘your opinion needed’ email a few weeks ago, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I was chuffed that so many of you took the time to think about it and reply, and it was an absolute delight to read all of your responses that ranged from the hilarious to the philosophical.

First, let’s break down the issue. A well educated, recently divorced professional woman is dating a guy who’s less educated, not as well off and a player. He stresses her out but he’s romantic and great in bed. My friend says she’s not unusual as several of her peers are going down this route because ‘intellectual men don’t do the romantic things, they’re too uptight.’ I was particularly stumped by that comment about ‘intellectual men’.

Now let’s do some definition. What’s an intellectual? In this case, my friend wasn’t referring to someone like Lloyd Best or Selwyn Ryan (thank God!). She was thinking about your typical middle class lawyer, banker, manager or engineer. Laura thought the guy was a roughneck, which he isn’t, but her comments could form the basis of another lively discussion.

All of you agreed that it was better to have a partner who’s your intellectual equal. Tamale made this very important point, “(It’s a) bit harsh to say that the “intellects” are not romantic. Everyone is different … anyway, you may find that the “intellect”, the “professional” may be a bit more driven and may have less time, depending on his career commitments, to make any serious commitment to a woman.”

In light of Tamale’s comments, I thought that since my friend’s ex-husband is an ambitious professional, it could be that she now wants something nice and easy. All of the men who responded alluded to this and Derwin best summed it up by saying; “I figure that the novelty will soon disappear. At some point she is going to want more than sex and romance. She`ll want love, companionship, conversation and emotional support. Remember we have a hierarchy of needs and she may be dealing with the more pressing ones now (remember – recently divorced)…but later…she`s going to want something deeper… And I definitely don`t agree with the ‘intellectual men aren`t good at the romantic stuff’ statement!”

But what constitutes romance? My friend’s guy is into buying flowers and giving trinkets. Bog standard romantic gestures, some people might say. Not a lot of you were too wowed by this especially Cherrie who said; “If I want romance that badly I can read a cheap book”.

Victoria came down on the side of the thinking men and said, “I have never found that intellectual men are un-romantic as a whole. In fact, they tend to be romantic in more creative, imaginative ways. You know when a guy reads Marquez for breakfast you aren`t going to get the standard red roses for your birthday.”

On the issue of fidelity, it was strange that not many of you referred to it. Does that mean that women are becoming more tolerant? Or is it as I read somewhere that women know they’re just as capable of infidelity as men, hence the willingness to forgive these days.

Unsurprisingly, the men had some interesting views about ‘players’. Roger defined the player thus: “Players are usually good lovers and romantics because that is their trade, their area of expertise, otherwise they would not be players. No one would be interested.” Knowing Geoff as I do, I was his tongue was clearly stuck squarely in his cheek when he gave his opinion, but I won’t be surprised to know there are some guys who think like this. “How can I meet this woman, she seems to understand me very well. I don`t have to speak, she provides for me, she has no commitments (i.e. husband), she will allow me to be a player and all I have to do is be romantic and great in bed. I think this will be any man`s dream.”

Seriously though, the best thing about all your responses was that nobody was judgmental about my friend’s situation. Most of you – even the guys – were quite empathetic.

Of course, there isn’t any one answer to the question ‘what do women want?’ but Bonnie probably came close enough when she said, “I think what women want in men are basically themselves with a dick.” To end, I’ll leave you with June’s comments, I think she makes a hell of a lot of sense.

“Women – Woooo! Unto men!! There is a time and place for everything. What might suffice at the moment, may not suffice 10 years from now. Romance is always more important for a woman than a man, however with the present world that is being created everyday, many women are, creating and acting out the same pattern as men have done for many, many years.?An intellectual man would be sexually involved with a woman not on his level. The tables have turned. Women are sexually involved with men who are not on their intellect level and are totally enjoying the sense of freedom and power that have been enjoyed by the opposite sex for so long. But, after we have enjoyed it, hopefully we will grow to another level and seek less carnal things.”

I await your responses.