Archives For humour

You Need This Book!

November 20, 2008 — Leave a comment

from the best selling ghost-writers who brought you The Crack® Diet, Embezzle Your Way to Riches and It Can`t Be Self Help If You Read It In A Book comes one of the best books of the day.

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the wyf and i went to asheville, nc for two days, as part of her birthday celebration i got tickets for her to see one of her musical idols billy bragg, there are pictures here. good times were had by all of course, but that’s the reason for this post.

remember rule #5 of the ICoDP? here let me refresh your memory
“you have marijuana.
you will always have marijuana and related peripherals on your person, otherwise you will have connections with various retailers of said and be on a first names basis and immediate contact with them.”

we’ve been asheville an hour, just had lunch and driving to check into our hotel when we pull up next to a camaro that has seen much better days. my window is down because the weather is lovely and the passenger of the car turns to me and says in that voice “do you know where the trees are, man?”  amazing, i just got a drive by hit for weed. even with the explanation that i was from out of town was not enough to deter him from asking a second time, as if i was holding out on him. obviously this man has read the rules and i’m a disappointment and if word gets around i may lose my membership card.

whether you`re just starting out or you`ve had your dreadlocks for sometime there are a couple of fundamental rules, we hope by committing them to paper they will make things clearer for you.

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February 3, 2005 — Leave a comment

i`m swamped at work so i`m resposting this George Carlin piece that i listened to over the weekend.

Rockets and Penises in the Persian Gulf

I`d like to talk a little about that `war` we had in the Persian Gulf. Remember that? The big war in the Persian Gulf? Lemme tell you what was goin` on.

Naturally, you can forget all that entertaining fiction about having to defend the model democracy those lucky Kuwaitis get to live under. And for the moment you can also put aside the very real, periodic need Americans have for testing their new weapons on human flesh. And also, just for the fun of it, let`s ignore George Bush Sr.`s obligation to protect the oil interests of his family and friends. There was another, much more important, consideration at work. Here`s what really happened.

Dropping a Load for Uncle Sam.

The simple fact is that America was long overdue to drop high explosives on helpless civilians; people who have no argument with us whatsoever. After all, it had been awhile, and the hunger gnaws. Remember that`s our specialty: picking on countries that have marginally effective air forces.

But all that aside, let me tell you what I liked about that Gulf War: it was the first war that appeared on every television channel, including cable.

And even though the TV show consisted largely of Pentagon war criminals displaying maps and charts, it got very good ratings. And that makes sense, because we like war. We`re a warlike people. We can`t stand not to be fucking with someone. We couldn`t wait for the Cold War to end so we could climb into the big Arab sandbox and play with our nice new toys. We enjoy war.

And one reason we enjoy it is that we`re good at it. You know why we`re good at it? Because we get alot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we`ve had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years, So we`re good at it!

And it`s just as well we are, because we`re not very good at anything else. Can`t build a decent car anymore. Can`t make a TV set, a cell phone, or a VCR. Got no steel industry left. No textiles. Can`t educate our young people. Can`t get health care to our old people. But we can bomb the shit outta your country, all right. We can bomb the shit outta your country!

If You`re Brown, You`re Goin Down

Especially if your country is full of brown people. Oh, we like that, don`t we? That`s our hobby now. But it`s also our new job in the world: bombing brown people. Iraq, Panama, Grenada, Libya. You got some brown people in your country? Tell `em to watch the fuck out, or we`ll goddamn bomb them!

Well, who were the last white people you can remember that we bombed? In fact, can you remember any white people we ever bombed? The Germans! That`s it! Those are the only ones. And that was only because they were tryin` to cut in on our action. They wanted to dominate the world.

Bullshit! That`s our job. That`s our fuckin` job.

But the Germans are ancient history. These days, we only bomb brown people. And not because they`re cutting in our action; we do it because they`re brown. Even those Serbs we bombed in Yugoslavia aren`t really white, are they? Naaah! They`re sort of down near the swarthy end of the white spectrum. Just brown enough to bomb. I`m still waiting for the day we bomb the English. People who really deserve it.

A Disobediant American

Now you folks might`ve noticed, I don`t feel about that Gulf War the way we were instructed to feel about it by the United States government. My mind doesn`t work that way. You see, I`ve got this real moron thing I do, it`s called `Thinking` And I guess I`m not a very good American, because I like to form my own opinions; I don`t just roll over when I`m told. Most Americans roll over on command. Not me, There are certain rules I observe.

Believe You Me

My first rule: Never believe anyone in authority says. None of them. Government, Police, clergy, the corporate criminals. None of them. And neither do I believe anything I`m told by the media, who, in the case of the Gulf War, functioned as little more than unpaid employees of the Defense Department, and who, most of the time, operate as unofficial public relations agency for the government and industry.

I don`t believe in any of them. And I have to tell you, folks, I don`t really believe very much in my country either. I don`t get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.

Show us your Dick

I also look at war itself a little differently from most. I see it largely as an exercise in dick-waving. That`s really all it is: alot of men standing around in a field waving their dicks at one another. Men, insecure abuot the size of their penises, choose to kill one another.

That`s also what all that moron athlete bullshit is all about, and what that macho, male posturing and strutting around in bars and locker rooms represents. It`s called `dick fear.` Men are terrified that their dicks are inadequate, and so they have to `compete` in order to feel better about themselves. And since war is the ultimate competition, essentially men are killing one another in order to improve their genital self-esteem.

You needn`t be a historian or a political scientist to see the Bigger Dick Foreign Policy Theory at work. It goes like this: `What? They have bigger dicks? Bomb them!` And of course, the bombs, the rockets, and the bullets are all shaped like penises. Phallic weapons. There`s an unconscious need to project the national penis into the affairs of others. It`s called `fucking with people`

Show us your Bush

So as far as I`m concerned, that whole thing in the Persian Gulf was nothing more than one big dic-waving cockfight.

In this particular case, Saddam Hussein questioned the size of George Bush`s dick. And George Bush had been called a wimp for so long, he apparently felt the need to act out his manhood fantasies by sending America`s white children to kill other people`s brown children.

Clearly the worst kind of wimp.

Even his name, `Bush`, as slang, is related to the genitals without being the genitals.

A bush is sort of a passive, secondary sex characteristic. It`s even used as a slang term for women: `Hey, pal, how`s the bush in this area?`

I can`t help thinking, if this president`s name had been George Boner…well, he might have felt a little better about himself, and he wouldn`t have had to kill all those children. Too bad he couldn`t locate his manhood.

Premature Extraction

Actually, when you think about it, this country has had a manhood problem for some time. You can tell the language we use; language always gives us away. What did we do wrong in Vietnam? We `pulled out`! Not a very manly thing to do. No. When you`re fucking people, you`re supposed to stay with it and fuck them good; fuck them to death; hang in there and keep fucking them until they`re all fucking dead.

But in Vietnam what happened was by accident we left a few women and children alive, and we haven`t felt good about ourselves since.

That`s why in the Persian Gulf, George Bush had to say, `This will not be another Vietnam.` He actually said, `this time we`re going all the way.`

Imagine. An American president using the sexual slang of a thirteen-year-old to describe his foreign policy.

And, of course, when it got right down to it, he didn`t `go all the way.` Faced with going into Baghdad he punked out. No balls. Just Bush.

Instead, he applied sanctions, so he`d be sure that an extra half a million brown children would die. And so his oil buddies could continue to fill their pockets.

If you want to know what happened in the Persian Gulf, just remember the first names of the two men who ran that war: Dick Cheney and Colin Powell.

Dick and Colon.

Someone got fucked in the ass.

And those brown people better make sure they keep their pants on, because Dick and Colin have come back for an encore.

there are two new animations from the otherside

a new samurai lapin animation

and Krark the penguin which just needs to be seen.

PNC Advisors is the wealth management unit of The PNC Financial Services

Group, Inc., (NYSE: PNC), one of the nation`s largest diversified financial

services companies, operating businesses engaged in regional community

banking, wholesale banking, wealth management, asset management and global

fund processing services.

                    PNC Advisors` Christmas Price Index


                                                                     % Change

                                       1984        2003        2004   2004/03

   One Partridge in a Pear Tree      $32.52      $77.50      $93.00     20.0%

               Partridge              12.57       15.00       15.00      0.0%

               Pear Tree              19.95       62.50       78.00     24.8%

   Two Turtle Doves                   47.71       58.00       40.00    -31.0%

   Three French Hen                   14.78       15.00       45.00    200.0%

   Four Calling Birds                280.00      400.00      396.00     -1.0%

   Five Gold Rings                   275.00      361.25      255.00    -29.4%

   Six Geese-a-Laying                150.00      150.00      210.00     40.0%

   Seven Swans-a-Swimming          7,000.00     3500.00     3500.00      0.0%

   Eight Maids-a-Milking              26.80       41.20       41.20      0.0%

   Nine Ladies Dancing              1511.50     4230.89     4400.13      4.0%

   10 Lords-a-Leaping               1679.45     3921.44     4039.08      3.0%

   11 Pipers Piping                  770.56     1982.40     2053.20      3.6%

   12 Drummers Drumming              834.78     2147.60     2224.30      3.6%

   Total Christmas Price Index   $12,623.10  $16,885.28  $17,296.91      2.4%

   % change

   True cost of Christmas in

    song                         $62,427.10  $65,264.28  $66,334.46      1.6%

   % change

   “Core” index, excluding swans             $13,385.28  $13,796.91      3.1%


                                                                    % Change

                                                  2003         2004  2004/03

   One Partridge in a Pear Tree                $171.67      $147.50   -14.1%

               Partridge                         66.67        67.50     1.2%

               Pear Tree                        105.00        80.00   -23.8%

   Two Turtle Doves                             100.00       105.00     5.0%

   Three French Hen                             172.50       202.50    17.4%

   Four Calling Birds                           330.00       429.00    30.0%

   Five Gold Rings                              183.75       240.00    30.6%

   Six Geese-a-Laying                           375.00       600.00    60.0%

   Seven Swans-a-Swimming                      4620.00      6125.00    32.6%

   Eight Maids-a-Milking                        296.00       296.00     0.0%

   Nine Ladies Dancing                         6450.00     6,600.00     2.3%

   10 Lords-a-Leaping                         10122.85    10,629.00     5.0%

   11 Pipers Piping                            1600.00     1,650.00     3.1%

   12 Drummers Drumming                         687.50       712.50     3.6%

   Total Christmas Price Index              $25,109.27   $27,736.50    10.5%

   % change

   True cost of Christmas in song          $101,206.09  $115,460.50    14.1%

   % change

   “Core” index, excluding swans            $20,489.27   $21,611.50     5.5%

SOURCE  The PNC Financial Services Group, Inc.

illegal acts

October 29, 2004 — Leave a comment

from nerve, entirely NSFW.

when i grow up

October 27, 2004 — Leave a comment

a little old, but oh still so true.

i don`t know if it`s the fact that i`m living in one of those states where you can see the holy triumvirate on the back of a pickup; ie, Jesus fish, American flag and; in TN at least; a UT sticker; but i seemed to have found that hotline to Jesus.

and he`s given me a message to pass along:

he loves everyone, equally, except for pederasts and people who kill in his name. he has special tortures lined up for them.

he`s also very upset about all the crap his name is getting attached to, but he`s not really the vengeful type so he`s going to let it slide at least for the time being.

he also asked me to pass on a message on behalf of Allah: he isn`t happy about what is being done in his name either.

they have both asked for their believers to work more on principles and faith and less dogmatic adherence to oft misquoted, mistranslated and misleading republication and interpretations of what claims to be their absolute word.

and you have to believe what i say, because he came to me and told me and i have written it down.