it`s been a little over 2 years since i got back to trinidad and i realised today that i`m stilling living out a bag or a box. i have one drawer in the bedroom i occupy, i have a boxful of books, a desk i share with my daughter. everything i own is basically packed or ready for immediate packing. i live with my mother, precluding the need to break a lease. i want to settle down, i want to be able to go to the grocery and stock my cupboards, i want to cook meals, clean house, i want all my books in one place. but above all i want all these things with vic.

there was an afternoon while she was here, where we just lay on the couch reading. nothing else, we both had our books and at various points in the afternoon we`d change positions. it was one of the high points of the visit. i want to be able to do that on a regular basis or just sit and have conversations, face to face about anything that strikes our fancy.

there are a number of suggestions that vic moves here, it`s in the back of my mind, but i think my unhappiness here shows and i don`t know how i`m going to keep it from tainting our lives. i have a job i don`t like in a field that sucks the life out of me here. what can i do to make living here pleasurable  and comfortable for us both?

i`m starting to spiral into the pit. i`m going to drop the dvds i borrowed back unwatched and try and find something to pick me up. the weather isn`t helping. i`ve shared my love of the rain with vic and that`s she`s gone, i can no longer enjoy it the way i used to with thinking about her.

[addendum]

i was rereading this post and realised what i have made and kept since i`ve been back. i have been privy to a number people of extraordinary character that i`m honoured to call friends. life is difficult enough, i`ve been blessed enough to have made a number of new friends since my return. online, in person, well meet.

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