i must not fear. fear is the mind killer. fear is the little death that brings about total obliteration. i will face my fear. i will permit it to pass over me and through me. and when it has gone past, i will turn with the inner eye to see it’s path. where the fear has gone, there will be nothing, only i will remain.

i just got up this morning and read k’s blog, it made me realise the nature of fear, i’ve started settling back in here, creating a life of some sorts, doing regular things, settling for a mediocre job, thinking about buy a car. as if being in trinidad is no longer a transient state. i still haven’t called the embassy. i know it’s not a fear of moving somewhere new, it is the most constant fear i have…

the fear of rejection.

what do i do if they say no? what is my next step? i can’t/don’t want to continue ‘seeing’ vic every couple of months, missing holidays, birthdays, wedding anniversaries. i need answers.

my brezsney today seems to be some sort of sign:

Music by Eminem can pump up a listener’s audacity. Because its wicked beats and hysterically ferocious sentiments raise testosterone levels in both men and women, songs from his CD “8 Mile” may also increase ambition, boost pride, and encourage forceful self-expression. You would greatly benefit from this kind of arousal in the coming week, Virgo. Your fervent assertiveness will be crucial to the well-being of both you and your cohorts. I suggest, then, that you cue up “8 Mile,” slip on the headphones, and crank up the volume. To accomplish the same result with the help of more elegant forms of masculine power, listen to the speeches of Martin Luther King, Jr. or read *Long Walk to Freedom: The Autobiography of Nelson Mandela.*

time to face the office. adieu.

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