dan is the man in the van

“you are such a flake” she said with a devilish grin. “i’m only five minutes late, if i was flaking i wouldn’t even be here” i countered. we’d been playing this constant cat and mouse game for weeks, with constant last minute cancellations, project meetings and client calls not at last we were finally seated at a table about to break bread.

with weeks of careful planning on our part at stake we thought it would be best to hand over all of our communication devices to the maitre’d with strict instructions not to return them to us unless the spontaneously combusted, turned into snakes and started attacking the staff or some other equally implausible eventuality. we had been introduced by mutual friends almost a year ago to the day. according to them we were both smart, funny driven people who would either hit it off beautifully, fall in love and make beautiful children and make everyone else envious of our seemingly perfect lives or we would hate each others guts and our friends would have nothing to more to be envious because our ‘perfect’ live would be devoid of love and they could hold it over our heads.

funnily our friends both used the same word to describe us – rake. as in (s)he is quite the rake, but i love her/him so. we had both broken our share of hearts along the way, but not in a vicious take no prisoners way that precludes the possibility of friendship, in fact the aforementioned friends were multiple exes who based on the same social and professional managed to find new interpersonal connections. and now hopefully it was going to be our turn.

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Tags: fff, friday flash fiction, writing exercise

all is full of flash fiction fridays

it was the smell of cinnamon that woke me that morning. usually i’m out of bed first but on this particular morning i’d managed to sleep through not only her getting out of bed, but the usual noises of breakfast preparation. this was highly unusual, the other thing that was equally unusual was i dressed. i very rarely sleep in clothes, much less be so exhausted that i would wake up fully dressed under the covers.

the height of the bed and the cold tile floor added to my bewilderment. i hadn’t been drinking but i suddenly had the worst case of rum belly. i opened the first door i saw and prayed it was a bathroom. thankfully my prayers were answered.

as i planted my bum on the throne, i tried to figure where i was and how i ended up there. the bathroom looked fairly generic, right down to the dumb his and hers towels on the rack and the cutely shaped hand soaps that were a staple for guest rooms. they could never get that right, there would always be that odd edge from the mold that would take months of constant washing to go away but never happened because they always changed it after every guest.

i stood and washed my hands and face, rubbing my thumb absentmidnedly on the rough edge of the soap looking at my reflection. i looked like a bum, actually i looked like i felt – like i’d been ridden hard and put up wet. i was in a rumpled  tshirt with a r. crumb illustration and faded blue jeans, i sniffed my shirt and caught the pungent odour of smoke and hard drinking and wondered for the millionth time, what i’d been up to the night before.

as i stood there lost in my own thoughts, the scent that woke me snapped me from my reverie, time to face the piper whoever it might be. i exited the bathroom through the bedroom and onto a small carpeted landing. did i navigate stairs in my state last night? curiouser and curiouser. i made my gingerly down the stairs following my nose to the kitchen.

have you ever imagined what you’d look like as a member of the opposite sex? i didn’t have to, there i was, standing in the kitchen. i looked up or my doppleganger looked up and smiled at me. my freakishly large hands reached out towards the towels, wiped them and gestured for me to take a seat. with my heart racing i sat at the table and wondered yet again, what the hell was going on.

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Tags: fff, flash fiction fridays

riddle me this

Five Questions

These questions were sent to me by cajunscorpiogirl and originally came from White Apples by Jonathan Carroll. She liked them so much, they made it into her quote book.

Feel free to fill in your own answers.

What three meals from your past would you like to eat again?

1) Growing up I couldn’t eat on the plane and every trip back from Jamaica my grandmother would make rice and peas and curry goat. That amazing smell would waft through the plane, I can still smell it now.

2) Vic and I sitting on a bed in a hotel in Knoxville feeding each other.

3) My birthday dinner three years ago at the Mirror, surrounded by family and friends.

What two objects would you like to possess again?

1)  One of two books: Last Chance to See – Douglas Adams or The Meaning of Liff – Douglas Adams

2) My original wedding band, not necessarily for sentiment, but it was a well crafted piece of jewellery that i actually liked..

What is the one act in your life you wish you could take back or erase?
I think I am who I am now because of all of my experiences, good and bad.

What one person would you like to see again?
Douglas Adams, seems to be a theme. I had an opportunity to talk to him and wasted it on idle chit chat.

What one experience do you wish you could repeat?
Living in London

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Tags: meme, personality, white apples

in which i lose my street cred

my commentary on Wired’s GeekDad 100 Essential Skills for Geeks

1. Properly secure a wireless router. yep.
2. Crack the WEP key on a wireless router. if you have the skill and don’t use it, does it count?
3. Leech Wifi from your neighbour. been there done that.
4. Screw with Wifi leeches. haven’t had much of a chance to do that of late
5. Setup and use a VPN. and i can teach people how it works too.
6. Work from home or a coffee shop as effectively as you do at the office. anywhere i got a computer and network connection.
7. Wire your own home with Ethernet cable. uh huh. including using wds to hardwire a machine without wifi, instead of running excessive amounts of cable.
8. Turn a web camera into security camera. creepy but yes.
9. Use your 3G phone as a Wi-Fi access point. no 3G phone, but just recently i did it with two laptops
10. Understand what “There’s no Place Like 127.0.0.1” means. yes.
11. Identify key-loggers. yep.
12. Properly connect a TV, Tivo, XBox, Wii, and Apple TV so they all work together with the one remote. haven’t done it with those particular items but used my visor edge as the remote for my tv & vcr
13. Program a universal remote. in my sleep.
14. Swap out the battery on your iPod/iPhone. have the tool to get the ipod open in my drawer.
15. Benchmark Your Computer. yes.
16. Identify all computer components on sight. yes.
17. Know which parts to order from NewEgg.com, and how to assemble them into a working PC. and yes, but why would i?
18. Troubleshoot any computer/gadget problem, over the phone. to the point where i find myself doing it far too often.
19. Use any piece of technology intuitively, without instruction or prior knowledge. scarily so.
20. How to irrecoverably protect data. is that even possible? but i have backups of my backups offsite
21. Recover data from a dead hard drive. too many times for it to even been considered fun.
22. Share a printer between a Mac and a PC on a network. is this really a skill?
23. Install a Linux distribution. (Hint: Ubuntu 9.04 is easier than installing Windows) in a virtual windows client no less.
24. Remove a virus from a computer. not since the 90s
25. Dual (or more) boot a computer. again, is this a skill?
26. Boot a computer off a thumb drive. this shouldn’t count as a skill
27. Boot a computer off a network drive. neither should this.
28. Replace or repair a laptop keyboard. with ease.
29. Run more than two monitors on a single computer. is there any other way?
30. Successfully disassemble and reassemble a laptop. yes.
31. Know at least 10 software easter eggs off the top of your head. yep.
32. Bypass a computer password on all major operating systems. Windows, Mac, Linux no comment.
33. Carrying a computer cleaning arsenal on your USB drive. yes.
34. Bypass content filters on public computers. no comment.
35. Protect your privacy when using a public computer. not a real skill.
36. Surf the web anonymously from home. neither is this
37. Buy a domain, configure bind, apache, MySQL, php, and Wordpress without Googling a how-to. i should hope so
38. Basic *nix command shell knowledge with the ability to edit and save a file with vi. self taught too, but i did learn basic as a child.
39. Create a web site using vi. not that hardcore.
40. Transcode a DVD to play on a portable device. isn’t that illegal?
41. Hide a file in an image using steganography. i can but have never had cause to.
42. Knowing the answer to life, the universe and everything. what is six by nine (base 13)?
43. Share a single keyboard and mouse between multiple computers without a KVM switch. only if you count target mode.
44. Google obscure facts in under 3 searches. Bonus point if you can use I Feel Lucky. here, LMGTFY.
45. Build amazing structures with LEGO and invent a compelling back story for the creation. i can but i defer to my son, the master.
46. Understand that it is LEGO, not Lego, Legos, or Lego’s. since 1977
47. Build a two story house out of LEGO, in monochrome, with a balcony. again, possible but i defer to those greater than myself.
48. Construct a costume for you or your kid out of scraps, duct tape, paper mâché, and imagination. there are advantages to being broke sometimes.
49. Be able to pick a lock. i plead the 5th.
50. Determine the combination of a Master combination padlock in under 10 minutes. nope.
51. Assemble IKEA furniture without looking at the instructions. Bonus point if you don’t have to backtrack. i have, but it’s so much fun to use the instructions and a sheet pan to organise all your parts in their piles as you’ll require them.
52. Use a digital SLR in full manual mode. i was using SLRs before they were digital.
53. Do cool things to Altoids tins. yep.
54. Be able to construct paper craft versions of space ships. not a skill i possess.
55. Origami! Bonus point for duct tape origami. (Ductigami) nope.
56. Fix anything with duct tape, chewing gum and wire. not everything can be fixed like that, but for the things that can i have tried.
57. Knowing how to avoid being eaten by a grue. yes.
58. Know what a grue is. hell yes.
59. Understand where XYZZY came from, and have used it. yes.
60. Play any SNES game on your computer through an emulator. yes.
61. Burn the rope. what?
62. Know the Konami code, and where to use it. yep.
63. Whistle, hum, or play on an iPhone, the Cantina song. han shot first.
64. Learning to play the theme songs to the kids favorite TV shows. i can’t play any musical instrument.
65. Solve a Rubik’s Cube. solved it in two weeks, aged 10
66. Calculate THAC0. what?
67. Know the difference between skills and traits. never got into D&D
68. Explain special relativity in terms an eight-year-old can grasp. no & i don’t think everything needs to be dumbed down for kids.
69. Recite pi to 10 places or more. 3.1415926536
70. Be able to calculate tip and split the check, all in your head. and calculate approximate tax too.
71. Explain that the colours in a rainbow are roygbiv. if i didn’t i shouldn’t have a job.
72. Understand the electromagnetic spectrum – xray, uv, visible, infrared, microwave, radio. yep.
73. Know the difference between radiation and radioactive contamination. may save my life one day.
74. Understand basic electronics components like resistors, capacitors, inductors and transistors. yes.
75. Solder a circuit while bottle feeding an infant. (lead free solder please.) never attempted it.
76. The meaning of technical acronyms. does FUBAR count too?
77. The coffee dash, blindfolded (or blurry eyed). Coffee <brew> [cream] [sugar]. In under a minute. don’t drink coffee anymore and when i did, it was a one step process.
78. Build a fighting robot. no.
79. Program a fighting robot. no.
80. Build a failsafe into a fighting robot so it doesn’t kill you. no, but shouldn’t 79 include the three laws?
81. Be able to trace the Fellowship’s journey on a map of Middle Earth. oh the shame.
82. Know all the names of the Dwarves in The Hobbit. no.
83. Understand the difference between a comic book and a graphic novel. and if you don’t shame on you.
84. Know where your towel is and why it is important. i’m a cool frood.
85. Re-enact the parrot sketch. and i’ve passed the skill along.
86. Know the words to The Lumberjack Song. that one too.
87. Reciting key scenes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. without which life would be a total bore.
88. Be able to recite at least one Geek Movie word for word. i can and i’m proud.
89. Know what the 8th Chevron does on a Stargate and how much power is required to get a lock. sadly yes.
90. Be able to explain why it’s important that Han shot first. if i have to explain it to you…
91. Know why it is just wrong for Luke and Leia to kiss. in that case the original poster was just wrong.
92. Stop talking Star Wars long enough to get laid. hey they’re female star wars fans, i married one.
93. The ability to name actors, characters and plotlines from the majority of sci-fi movies produced since 1968. only the ones that count.
94. Cite Mythbusters when debunking a myth or urban legend. yes.
95. Sleep with a Cricket bat next to your bed. i don’t, but i know why i should.
96. Have a documented plan on what to do during a zombie or robot uprising. yes.
97. Identify evil alternate universe versions of friends, family, co-workers or self. yes.
98. Be able to convince TSA that the electronic parts you are carrying are really not a threat to passengers. no comment.
99. Talk about things that aren’t tech related. there are things other than tech? kidding. mostly.
100. Get something on the front page of Digg. don’t really understand the fascination. there are much better aggregators.

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Tags: geek, geekdad, nerd, wired

fun in the sun

good times, good people, good food, good music. everything you need for a good vacation

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Tags: family, friends, photographs, photos, trinidad, vacation

one of life’s defining moments

i’m in trinidad for a week, primarily for this reason:

My first born

father/daughter dance

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Tags: daughter, family, graduation, trinidad

the intimacies of worship

i was raised catholic and methodist. my mother believed in covering her bases. knowingthe parochial system was probably the way for me to get the best education, she had me baptised catholic, although she herself was methodist. this double dipping required regular attendance to both denominations every weekend until i was about 15 or 16. so i consider myself a bit of an expert on the subject.

methodism in the caribbean was of the weslyean school; the sing a joyful noise unto the lord. there was a rich hymnal and every church we visited had a choir or an organ or both. one of my memories growing up was the fundraising efforts that seemed to go on forever to restore the organ of our home church that had been damaged in a fire. i was also attending mass in the catholic church post vatican ii and in the caribbean that also entailed a rich and diverse hymnal that moved you figuratively and literally and made a rhythm section almost mandatory at most churches. but it’s not just the music, i’ve gone to multiple catholic and methodist services in the trinidad and the rest of the caribbean using the same hymnal and i haven’t been moved in the same way. but this isn’t just about the music, it’s about the interaction.

there’s a comfort level you get when you find a place to worship and you can laugh and cry and be angry together or at each other and know that you are still loved unconditionally. there are in fact an extention of your family, your community. when you have that, it makes the worship special. the physical location doesn’t actually matter, it is in fact incidental. you feel a connection that makes you happier or even less sad or restores, even for a moment your faith in humanity. that’s a kind of intimacy that i think comes from true worship and i’ve found it.

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Tags: catholicism, church, intimacy, methodists, unitarian universalists, worship

tanks for the memories

“I don’t like words that hide the truth. I don’t words that conceal reality. I don’t like euphemisms, or euphemistic language. And American English is loaded with euphemisms. Cause Americans have a lot of trouble dealing with reality. Americans have trouble facing the truth, so they invent the kind of a soft language to protest themselves from it, and it gets worse with every generation. For some reason, it just keeps getting worse. I’ll give you an example of that. There’s a condition in combat. Most people know about it. It’s when a fighting person’s nervous system has been stressed to it’s absolute peak and maximum. Can’t take anymore input. The nervous system has either (click) snapped or is about to snap. In the first world war, that condition was called shell shock. Simple, honest, direct language. Two syllables, shell shock. Almost sounds like the guns themselves. That was seventy years ago. Then a whole generation went by and the second world war came along and very same combat condition was called battle fatigue. Four syllables now. Takes a little longer to say. Doesn’t seem to hurt as much. Fatigue is a nicer word than shock. Shell shock! Battle fatigue. Then we had the war in Korea, 1950. Madison avenue was riding high by that time, and the very same combat condition was called operational exhaustion. Hey, were up to eight syllables now! And the humanity has been squeezed completely out of the phrase. It’s totally sterile now. Operational exhaustion. Sounds like something that might happen to your car. Then of course, came the war in Viet Nam, which has only been over for about sixteen or seventeen years, and thanks to the lies and deceits surrounding that war, I guess it’s no surprise that the very same condition was called post-traumatic stress disorder. Still eight syllables, but we’ve added a hyphen! And the pain is completely buried under jargon. Post-traumatic stress disorder. I’ll bet you if we’d of still been calling it shell shock, some of those Viet Nam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed at the time. I’ll betcha. I’ll betcha.”

George Carlin

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Tags: euphemistic language, george carlin, ptsd

do you know where your towel is?

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Tags: douglas adams, towel, towel day, tribute

a brief history of something

in writing about my travels and travails in 2000, i mentioned briefly mentioned `the project` but never got into any details about it. it wasn`t anything top secret but years later it`s still one of my favourite pieces in my portfolio.

first let me give you some background. i started in the advertising business as a typesetter but my interest in design was peaked one summer when i worked at a printery.  we have a one color Heidelberg press that required a blood sacrifice before every job. the Heidelberg was an old fashioned letter press, you had to pick your letters and numbers out of a box, put them in a frame, add your leading and your spaces, use the kerning knife to scrape the sides of the letter blocks. then when you thought you were done, you locked the whole thing in place and you put on the press and ran a sheet to check. because of the sharp edges and the heavy blocks of type the likelihood that you`d get cut or squeeze your fingers in something was pretty high, hence the joke about the printer requiring a blood sacrifice. the owner of the printery had actually lost the top two knuckles of his right hand to the press before i even started there.

so with my interest in printing and design peaked, i started work at an advertising agency as a typesetter. this was in the early days of the transition to computer graphic design. we had 13 fonts on a Mac SE and the traditional designers would come in, specify a type and size they needed, i`d type it up and we`d send it out to one of two companies that actually had a laser printer at the time and if we didn`t have the typeface on the computer, we could request one that the output house had. and if they didn`t have it, there was good old Letraset.

i could go on reminiscing about the good old days but they only lasted about a year and a half and that`s a story for another day. the agency i worked for, had the fortune and misfortune of having my name on the building. the fortune being, when i called vendors, they usually responded, the misfortune being people thought i was a close relative of the owner and expected me to coast along. coasting is not my speed. i spent five years at the agency and then they merged and they were filled with art directors and creative directors and more designers than you could shake a stick at, so i requested a lateral promotion to the sys admin job that i`d been doing and they denied me, so i quit and the agency imploded.

i did freelance design for a little while and then i got lured back into another agency and the only job i`d ever been fired from. which in itself is strange because the guy that fired me recommended me for another job and everytime i ask, writes the most glowing references. after i left that job, i swore that i was out of the advertising industy for good and like all such threats, it went the way of the dinosaur. in three months i was back at another agency thinking i was going to be working with a creative director i had a great deal of respect for. his last day was the day i started, which was interesting to say the least. they hired another creative director who i got along with fabulously but i had problems with management so i quit, not just burning that bridge but applying copious amounts of dynamite on my way out. hoping against hope that i wouldn`t get sucked back into advertising again.

fortuitously, at the same i left that job, a friend of mine offered me a place in his studio doing pretty much whatever helped pay my way and about a month after i started that, i got a job being webmaster for the national airline, which is a whole batch of stories on its own.

during my first trip to London, an ex introduced me to a friend of hers who was running a production company. they did promotion for up and coming artists, urban marketing and trend prediction and what turned out to be their last hurrah as a company they organised the Playstation 2 launch in London.

working on this project actually completely disenfranchised me with advertising and marketing in Trinidad, which always was and still is a hard sell. this launch was subtle, everyone on the planet knew what a PS 2 so why make launch a hard sell, instead  they went with Mi Corazon, the Summer of Low Rider.

the concept was to bring Lowrider culture from LA to London. and it wasn`t going to be a half measure; cars, bikes, people, all had to be organised, paid for, transported and hosted. and the people who couldn`t make it, had to be photographed and recorded. it was a logistical nightmare and my job in all of this?

i designed the logo, the powerpoint presentation and the website and keep the computers running. i had a blast. i`d never worked on a project of that magnitude and this was the real world. in Trinidad, everyone knew who i was and knew my work, here i was in London, a tiny, insignificant fish in a huge pond and my work could stand the test.

i realised as i was writing this, aside from the logo, i don`t have anything else for this project. the cd that i`d backed up that years work on is scratched and damaged so all the image files that make up the website are inaccessible. i should try harder to recover those materials, because without this project i don`t think i would have had the confidence to make a lot of changes in my life since then.

it`s also kind of weird in this day and age, where you can google anything i can`t seem to find anything about the event.

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Tags: 2000, design, london, travel